My friend John has gone to heaven and is buried in a cemetery in New Bern, N.C. I just had the thought that I now have one friend buried in a cementary in New Bern and another friend buried under a brick at the beautiful Presbyterian church in the heart of New Bern's downtown.
Today I did not go to church. I needed the day. My stomach was all 6's and 9's. As I am typing I realize this day has felt like two days. I have been busy at some points. It has been a normal day, I suppose. I grew spacey as the day wore on; found myself shook up at the degree of spacey today.
An acquaintance three doors down from me lost her job of 8 years. She was fired on the spot. She says she does not know why they would fire her. She doesn't have any heating because her heating system is out and she does not have the money to fix it and infers on facebook that this may be the tip of the iceberg. She began the post with comments of how her family has let her down even though they know her needs. She expresses her needs clearly and gets nothing back in return. I have known her for a number of years if only by occasional interactions. The self-destruction has begun. The pattern is as familiar to me as the face of an old friend. How do I know this about this woman when we have not spoken other than hellos and good-byes in a number of years? A glimpse of a garbage bag full of empty beer cans told me the story. She has fallen into the arms of her disease. Self-destruction began with the first drink. I know this path. But, she does not ask for help. She blames the world and family and friends for her fate in life. My urge is to close myself off from her. Avoid her. The progression of the disease is difficult to watch. Her vulnerability reminds me of my own.
On a brighter note it is now Monday. A new 24 hours has begun.
My friend John has gone. No turning back! No turning back!
