I know a man who pushed the envelope, went to the limit, laughed in the face of possible death, had no fear when he committed to an insane thought and knew when he had gone too far and blown it out. He felt rather than knew the shifting and rearranging of brain cells brought on by years of neglect and lack of adequate nourishment.
I know a man who faced, at a young and tender age, the abject desolation of abandonment and the carnage of a world imploding in the void that was left. Each day that passed another piece of the familiar tore loose flying off into the strength of the pull of the void. Pieces of who he was and who he could become flew side by side into the gaping darkness until the wound of being left alone closed up enough to shut off the void. The brain began a healing of sorts replacing the missing pieces with a little of this and a little of that in a random pattern.
I know a man who emerged from the cocoon spun of sorrows and broken dreams believing he could stave off the loneliness if he did not care at all. He did not know he left the cocoon ill prepared for loneliness and not caring at all would attract an absence of affection that, in the years to follow, would crush him.
Thursday, July 7, 2022
What I Have Learned
I have learned that all the best intentions, all the best ideas, all the love anyone can have and all the true desire to make a change in someone's life, someone you love very much, does not mean things will work out, I naively believed I could make the difference in my grandson's life I told him I would always have his back, that he was safe with me, that I would always be there for him. I meant it. I really meant it from the bottom of my heart. I was wrong. I was powerless to keep my many promises and had no authority or power to override anyone when it came to the decisions being made in my grandson's life. I stood and watched through the years knowing full well that the dramas playing all around him were robbing him of his joy and his ability to trust and his belief that things would turn out o.k. I tried to make a safe place for him but I could not make it safe enough to protect him from the insanity of influences that took him far beyond his ability to cope with their reality. I felt it. I screamed inside and schemed to find a way to draw him closer In the end I had to stand silently and watch as his stresses and challenges rose over his head, watch while the police were called in and he was forced to the point of snapping and I saw him look to me and I could not make a dent in the system or in the pain in his mind and body. I watch now as a fifteen year old young man moves out of my world to a place emotionally where I cannot seem to reach him. I hand my fear to God and pray for my grandson. I am so terribly sorry that I could not hold up my part of the bargain and the promises and that I still am powerless. My Father who is in heaven is not powerless. I pray asking for mercy and guidance and protection of my grandson. I know, all too well, the journey ahead of him if he is to overcome the forces that have pulled at him his entire life. I beg God to forgive us for the harm we bring to children in our own brokenness and through our own slavery to self-will. I pray God will restore, heal, bless and bring peace to my grandson's body, mind and spirit. In Jesus name! Amen!
Day After Christmas 2021
2021 seems a blur of significant events enhanced by the suffering and life changing presence of COVID 19 and it's children named collectively as variants. Waiting for 2022 to show up fresh faced and full of innocent hope without a care in the universe. I see the face of the first day of January peeking around the corner and she is not smiling. Not even a hint of a smile. I can't decide if the look I see is filled with malice or a cringing, unspoken "oops"!
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