A Victim of Circumstances

Did you ever come to the realization that the choices you made over say....61 years...have brought you to some places that are glorious and habits that have been shed and those things seem very easy to take credit for but the nasty, stinking stuff that continues to haunt you in one form or the other...well....you are a victim of circumstances. Yep, thought so. Most of us (I am throwing all of you under the bus with me) have ghosts in our mental closets. Oh, I am not talking about terrible stuff that can get you arrested or divorced. I am talking about patterns of thinking and habits that are detrimental to our peace of mind or prejudices that have far outlived their usefulness. I'm talking about where the rubber meets the road. Where we live inside of ourselves and avoid looking at unless, of course, we are forced to look and that is where the victim of circumstances rears its'' ugly head.

We don't mean for it to appear. We are evolved. Grown-up! We are masters of our own fate. Oh yeah...the good and the bad? Do you mean to tell me that the thought never crosses your mind that the reason you shop too much, don't pay enough attention to your spouse, lied on your taxes and are now nervous waiting for the letter that "may" come or whatever may be your cup of tea...that you havev NEVER thought, "If it weren't for (put in a million different thoughts here). I would not be in this situation. I make this/these decisions because of the way I was raised, the system is against me, I was never allowed to play sports, my parents did not train me to budget, no one ever helps me...the beat goes on and on. It circles in our heads until we have a full blown resentment and a concrete justification for our shortcomings. You would have them too, if you were me! Famous refrain of those of us who do, at times, hang the hat of our shortcomings on someone else's coattree.

Now you may wonder, if you are reading this, why this topic is on my mind. What bee is in her bonnet? Blah, blah, blah...and so what, you might think to yourself. The clue to your question is in the sentence "What bee is in her bonnet?" You see I am currently facing cleaning up messes I have made and allowed to fester because I have been afraid, ashamed and irresponsible in meeting my responsibilities. It isn't the first time in my life but it is deeper than before and I won't go to jail or anything of that nature but I am emotionally and mentally bound up in this prison of my own making and I have had thoughts of who is to blame. My husband? Some would help me place the onus squarely on his back. My chornic sickness? Yes, it does affect my desire to face tough situations. My lack of money at this point in my life? True. And then the ultimate blaming of my ownself from the past. SHE did this to me. She behaved irresponsibly and did not listen when people made important suggestions. SHE is a failure and now I am payng the price for HER failures. That is twisted. Yes, I will admit it, but if you think about it for a moment you may realize that you have seen this thought pattern in yourself or in someone you love. Self-loathing. Self! Self! Self! It is enough to choke a person. So...just to get things straight and out in the open...I am talking about myself at this point in my life.

There a couple of things I have avoided. Only a couple and those things are eating me for breakfast. I am a Christ Follower so I am asking for His guidance and, of course, He is showing me that I need to fess up, admit my shortcomings, make amends and find a way to get to a point of agreement with the truth and those who deserve it from me. Oh, you thought following Christ was a piece of cake? God love! We all get lollipops and candy and blessings and never suffer again. Is that what you thought? What a dreadful and disappointing God that would be to follow! If that is your impression you have not read the Bible or, if that is too far out of your comfort zone, you did not watch the recent series, "The Bible". But this is not a theological post. I am stating that when I asked God, Christ, the Holy Spirit to help me what I received was a clear vision of myself as the self-imposed victim and I saw that to escape this opression I must choose to release myself from this bondage and take the steps towards meeting my responsibilities. Throughout this process God will be with me and go before me but He will not do it for me and the consequences will still exist in one form or another BUT I will be free. First...stop being the victim of me or others or whomever. It's not my mother, not my brother but it is me, oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer. Second, take the first steps to admitting my guilt and making restitution in whatever form that may take. I thirst for the freedom from seeing myself as a victim. God has allowed me to come to the end of my rope on this matter. From this point on any failure to make a change is just plain going to hurt me. Not because you, or my neighbor or society sucks but because I have chosen to allow myself to avoid the truth in my life today.

I already feel better....thanks for listening. Tune in again for the "I wanna kick somebody's ass" song I sing at times. Confession is good for the soul. Peace out!

Oh, for the love of Pete!!

This was going to be a structured post about the things I have learned since retiring. I was going to provide a few examples and wax eloquently about the changes in me as the result of these things I have learned but my computer shut down. Yep! Right in the middle of me being wise and eloquent (and I had not finished the first paragraph) this laptop popped and shut off. TOO HOT!! I knew it! I am sure the fan is shot in this little laptop. I don't have the money nor do I imagine I have the expertise to install a fan so once in awhile this faithful, old laptop becomes indignant and goes on strike until she cools off. BUT...I, clever and resourceful me, brought my fan over, put it on the top of the printer, plugged it in and aimed it at the computer. Problem solved! Yes! Yes! I know! This action serves to perpetuate the belief that I am eccentric. A belief that I don't buy into in the least but,  by a poll taken by myself ,was strongly supported by a number of my friends. As a matter of fact, the phone calls I made were the result of a friend stating to me that I am eccentric and I bet her that no one else would agree with her. I made the calls to a number of friends who know me well and there was a 100% concensus that I am indeed eccentric. Egocentric I would have no trouble buying into but eccentric seems a misguided interpretation of my choices and responses.

ANYWAY...the computer shut down. It is up and running and I lost all my clever thoughts. I lost all the babbling I was going to do about building friendships with people I never would have met if I had not retired and worked at Wal-Mart and now working at home, on-line and on chat with folks I will never meet yet building chat friendships with a few of them. There's been an entire world outside of Cherry Point Marine Corps Air Station where I worked for 29 years. I got sober after working for the government for about a year. Lord knows it is tough enough to work for the government straight much less hung-over and losing a healthy buzz about the time I showed up for work. It took me, a reasonably intelligent woman, way too long to learn how to keypunch. (ancient computer skills now defunct). People still smoked at their desks and drank at office parties and followed volumes of resource books that have since been condensed into about 30 pages of instructions leaving much to the imagination of someone trying to crack the code of government processes and procedures. But, I digress, I got sober, worked until retirement, probably got sick from asbestos and environmentally crappy air, took my retirement and ran through the guarded gates into the bosom of "the rest of the world"!

For awhile I related to Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz..."We're not in Kansas anymore!" Slowly I woke up and realized that I was with "my people". I could hang with this new way of life. I might be sick and I might be poorer and I might not be a big shot in this great big pond but I was one of "them". Yep! I fell right smack into home by my definition. I have not taken one step back through the gates of Cherry Point Marine Corps Air Station since I left. I'm not mad. I don't have resentments. It seems like an old movie set to me now. Once in awhile I talk with someone who still works there and we chat about this and that and how things are going downhill and I drift off as I'm thinking that I have already seen that movie and I know that setting well.

Before I close...where did the expression "Oh, for the love of Pete!" come from...do any of you one or two people who read my blog happen to know where the expression comes from? Maybe I'll google it and write about it. I realized that my grandmother never lived to know that we would be googling everything we could dream up to google. Google is slowly replacing the word research. I don't research it. I google it!

Pardon me! My slip is showing!

Is it truly the end of Wednesday? My last post was on Sunday evening? Time must have stoked up her engines and made a mad dash for Wednesday passing at such an incredible speed that I appear to have been standing motionless for the past two days. Well, there is that and, to be honest, to be painfully honest now that time has been addressed...I forgot my password. There! I have said it on paper. Yes!! I forgot my password and could not get to this site for all the tea in China nor for the craving to write nor knowing that at least a few of you are checking in to read my posts. I've had visitors and left nothing new for them to read. It is a bit after 1 a.m. so technically it is Thursday morning. My eyes are closing. My brain has shut the door and is preparing to pull the shades. My thoughts make no sense at all. I am shutting down for the evening. It seems the power to write is leaving me as I type. I am shutting down one piece at a time. Aloha! Au Revoir! Goodnight! I tip my hat to you, the reader and bid you a fond adieu for now! Night!

Easter Week-end Faking It Till I Make It

I stated that I planned to act physically well until something that can actually be identified and taken care of shows itself and that is what I have done since I wrote that post. I did start taking wal-mart's claritin and using my nebulizer regularly. Do I feel much better? A little here and a little there! I think the key is acting as if I am well. Faking it till I make it came in handy as a survival skill over the years. It is now a valuable tool to use when my attitude or my belief system is not secure. If I know what secure looks like then I will just fake it until I make it. This would be delusional were it not for the fact that I continue to strive towards the "making it" part of the statement. Without that I am just a "poser".  Posers are boring, insecure and difficult to like. I don't wanna be a poser! The plan is to live my life without searching endlessly for the one diagnosis that is going to cure chronic illness. I have stopped. Finished! I remind myself that God will reveal whatever I need to see. Until then there is nothing for me to see. I'm making myself dizzy with repetition. I write as if anyone reading this post is too dumb to get the point! It is the opposite. I am too dumb to know when the point is made. My apologies to whomever...whenever.

Easter? Wow! We had it all in our family. Illness, drama, crying, love, great food, church, egg hunts and an unexpected guest. My buddy, the fellow I wrote about on another post, went to church and ate lunch with us. It was sublime having family and a visitor. My friend's name is Dean. He and I took out the Atlas and found a magnifying glass. We looked for the town in Missouri where he will soon be moving. It is right on the Mississippi River. Can't stop myself...M I crooked letter crooked letter I crooked letter crooked letter I humpback humpback I...Mississippi! Phew! Feels better now that is out of my system. We talked of snow, ice fishing, ways to earn pocketmoney doing errands for the new friends he will meet. Dean fell right in with our family. Lunch was a family meal with all the bumping into each other in the kitchen, "where is my fork", "what's to drink", "man, this food is great" one could ever want to here going on. No fussing. No hurt feelings. The fuse is always there and the match is always ready to be lit so no fussing is a miracle Easter. In our family having a chip on your shoulder is an art form during holiday seasons. Today was blessed. Today was lovely at lunch and at church and later walking four dogs round the park so they could stretch their legs a bit. There was a pre-teen riding circles around me on her bike. I threaten to smack her with the pooper scooper. A shallow threat given that I am walking and she is riding. Did I say that I saw Mr. Owl on the water tower night before last!! I did see him. He portends good things for me. Christ is risen! Our family worshipped and celebrated today. It really is true if I live in today without looking back or forward I can be pretty darn sure that my day is going to go well...even if it is going wrong. At midnight plus 1 minute I will be in another day with another chance. Christ is risen. Whom do I fear? It ain't about religion or formalities or much of anything other than the purity of a love that would die for me. For me?? If you knew me you would be a little skeptical of someone choosing to die for me. But Christ died for me and in a miraculous and unfathomable way rose from His grave and after a bit of running around on the earth and leaving the Holy Spirit as our own access to Him...Holy Spirit fully living in us Christ went to sit on the right hand of God the Father. Christ sitting on the right hand of God the Father interceding on our behalf. Great day! Beautiful day! The fruits of God's love for us displayed bountifully in my life today and my life ain't perfect. Nope! No way! I just got blessed real good today. Real good indeed!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

 I spent the majority of the past 11 hours in hospitals and the doctor's office. Once again they could not find the reason for my symptoms which were dramatic enough that I seriously considered going to the emergency room before I called my doctor. So I feel lousy, cannot breathe well and antibiotics, stearoids and magic potions have not changed my condition. I made a decision. If I am not sick then I must be well. Until something happens that shows itself and can be identified I am going to live as if I feel great even if I have to struggle with every breath I breathe. No telling how much I have spent on doctors and medications and tests for symptoms that appear to support my general health diagnosis and the tests are good. I have good everything but I feel sick. Something is going on that cannot be identified so I am going to act as if there is nothing to be identified. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. If I feel lousy I am going to carry on with my life. I am going to "act as if" I am well. I have put it in God's hands. He loves me. He will reveal what I need to know when and if it is necessary. Until then my answer to questions about my health are going to be that I am doing well. Fit as a fiddle, in fact, and glad to be here. I don't know that I will ever get my medical debt paid as it stands at this very moment. I am God's and He will carry this for me. If I have a need to know then He will make it known. Until that time I declare myself to be fit as a fiddle.

The Heart of A Child

I have a friend who is around 30 years old. He is tall and strong and healthy. His mind is about the age of the boy in this picture. He has enthusiasm for life. He loves the world of t.v. wrestling and does the chicken dance when prompted. He mows yards and, if given the slightest encouragement, cheerfully digs trenches that he calls "edging" around the yards. He works out at the gym with a truly wonderful adult friend and shows me his muscles when I ask him. He plays in the pool with the children and needs to be reminded that he is strong and boisterous so "chill it". He cries and believes if anyone around him is angry that he caused the anger and he gets confused and lost and calls me on the phone and asks me to pray for him. He loves to go to the dances held for people like him and constantly has one girl or the other on his mind. He cannot follow more than one direction at a time and even then may get confused but he literally runs to my mother's house when she calls him to help her take in her groceries and gives him $2.00 and praises him. Jesus loved little children. He loves my friend. I told someone recently that my friend has an "olly olly in free" card to heaven. He is innocent and frequently influenced by others. He has to move with the people who have custody of him. He has to move to Missouri and he has cried and he arranged to stay here with a family that was willing to care for him but that fell through so he is moving in April. He was standing outside with the friend who takes him to the gym a couple of nights ago. He was holding two tiny teddy bears close to him and his eyes were big and he was hurting. He wants to please everyone and, sadly enough, people do not seem to feel his angst. He can be difficult to manage and take care of on a daily basis. He is a man with the mind of a young child and the yearning for things that he cannot have in this life. It is easy to lose patience with him at times easy to forget that he is so very young in that tall, lean body. So he stood in the cold night and I talked to him about God and his friend talked to him about not being to blame for other people's reactions and worked at helping him understand that he has not done anything wrong. He began to cry and I held him close and told him how much we love him and how much God loves him. He is afraid. Soon he will be in Missouri and soon after that he will have a life going on that he enjoys. He loves people. Not too long after he moves he will remember us in some ways and forget us in others. He will tell stories about his time here that are kinda/sorta like what happened. He will, for sure, embellish and build his own memories from the real memories. He is, after all, a child. I will miss him so much. It isn't often that we get to be in the life of a man like my friend. The picture I posted reminds me of him. Innocent. Joyous. Uninhibited. I could just as well have posted a picture of a worried little boy with his knees drawn up to his chest and tears on his cheeks for that is also my friend. But, God does love him so and we love him. He brought me joy and taught me his version of the chicken dance and chased me around to try to tickle me and drove me absolutely crazy at times. For this I am grateful and I am sad to see him go. God blesses us in mysterious ways and through people we never dreamed would come our way. I thank God for my friend and what he has given me.

Technically Speaking

Technically speaking I should be asleep by now and resting for a full 8 hours. My doctor would like that and praise me for my efforts. My body would benefit from it. My mind would rest.

Technically speaking I should eat less sugar and very little bread. I should eat vegetables and fruits and learn to cook in ways that will build up my immune system.

Technically speaking my house needs cleaning and sorting out and repainting and numerous repairs.

Technically speaking small butterflies will fly out of my nostrils fluttering in spiralling patterns when I do the things I should do....technically speaking.

Realistically speaking I will plan to rest, plan to have a healthy diet and plan to clean and paint and decorate my house. I will plan all of these things in detail. I will prepare myself for the changes and I will, in the final resort, wait until tomorrow and then until tomorrow and then until tomorrow.

Technically speaking? I don't know the meaning of the words!