Stuff

Sitting here at my laptop I hear the washing machine kick into the rinse cycle. I hear the faint murmur of the t.v. show my husband is watching in the living room. The keys click as I keyboard and my big black cat meows from atop my printer. The water in the washer slushes around...back and forth with the agitated motion designed to clean clothes better.
 Jeez! The black cat is scratching at the back of my chair and increasing his meow to include a note of drama. The last time he climbed the back of this chair he caught me with his paw and claw. I screamed out and he ran off in fear for his life. NOT!! What he wants is food although he is, by no means, starving and the Siamese will let him do the fussing until I go feed them a little something just to get some peace and quiet. So, yes, they are spoiled. Feeding on demand and I am the pawn in that game.
It has been another cloudy, windy and sprinkly wet day. It is cool. Very cool for the first part of May. Most of next week is more of the same. I like it. As I have grown older I have developed a love for gray, cloudy days with cool air and a light rain. When I was much younger I was a child of the sun often staying long hours at the beach when I lived in Florida. My daughter, who was about 2 years old at the time, would play and play. We lived on the Gulf Coast. The waves were tiny and the water was deliciously refreshing. She and I spent hours hanging out and getting deep tans. I did cover her with sunscreen but I let myself crisp into a dark tan. Oh, those were the days! I was barely 20 years old. I lived with a guy who was a nice guy, we smoked Jamaican reefer and sat on the porch watching the squirrels run along the electric line across the street. We hung out. My daughter fit right into the scene as she was born knowing her own mind and was able to chill out big time. It was a fragment of my hippie-dippy life. Of course, as I have done many times since, I blew up the whole thing and moved on. In retrospect my decision to move on was disastarous. I have paid the price for my choices at that time in my life many times over up to this very day.
No need to focus on the past too much. Pain and joy intermingle. I have been a difficult woman to bring into submission and finally into acceptance and a bit of peace. I spent many years in utter turmoil taking my kids along for the ride without a true understanding of what that would mean for them. I loved them so much but I could not tame the beast in me or at least I did not tame it for a very long time. Forgiving myself has been an incredibly long journey. There are times when I am not sure I have fully finished that job.
So, no Mr. Owl tonight. The wind is up and the light rain continues. I wish for a screened veranda with a hammock that I could sleep in on nights like tonight. Lordy that would be so fine!
Kisses! Good night!

Technologically Challenged - Paranoid of the Establishment and Such

Blogger, which is the venue from which I do this blog, offers the use of Google+. Google+ sounds great. The chance is that I would see comments that are being made...if any are being made. So I thought to myself, "Self! Try out that Google+. What can it hurt?" Turns out that trying to sign-up for Google+ was like nailing jello to the wall for me. I needed to make circles of friends. The profile I have now on Blogger is one that I like but my profile will change if I choose to use Google+. Then my inherent "old hippie" suspicion of the establishment kicked in and I began to think that I might not like being seen so much or would I even know if I were being seen and I did not want to change my profile or my picture and do comments matter that much to me? After all there is the No Comment thing at the bottom of the blog and anyone wishing to leave a comment can click on that and do so. So I became even more suspicious of the motive behind wanting me to use Google+ SO BADLY. I go by the theory that if an organization wants me to use a product so much that they make extravagant claims then the product must be detrimental to me or there is something I am not understanding. Actually I was not understanding how to get set up and they were using my real name because Elizabeth is a pen name and I don't really want my real name hanging out in outer space when I don't even know I launched it. My real name is not that common. I am protective of my privacy in that weird and twisted way that makes zero sense considering I blog about my life. Lets face it. Blogging is not saying "Come see me soon." I am particularly private about my residence. I don't mind people knowing where I live. I just don't do visitors well. Family, o.k. That's about it. Am I anti-social? Nope! I just like to have control of my little piece of the world. I've got a bit of PTSD. It shows when I think of having visitors. How I went from Google+ to this conversation is a mystery to me. I suppose it is the whole being visible to the "public" or it could be that I am too technologically challenged to figure out how to sign up properly or to lazy to work at it or, and this is the best answer, I don't truly give a tinker's damn about it. Not yet, at any rate. Maybe another time. Maybe when I write something that is truly worthy of reading and want to strut my stuff. But then again...I may well choose another name and change the profile to a "not me" profile. Imagine me writing as a "not me". That's a great idea for a blog. Not tonight. I have suffered the trauma of considering Google+ as a viable option. The stress of hiding while trying to show myself has left me sleepy and ready for bed. Poor, foolish paranoid woman avoids helpful technical suggestion out of fear of the unknown. Good grief! I'll probably sleep with my dagger a bit closer to the bed and dream of Matrix-like attacks marching on my blogger page claiming it for a pseudo-world of whacked out machinations. WHAT!! I have no clue what that is suppose to mean and I don't care...nope! I simply don't care. My brain is waving bye now! Sleep tight all. More will be revealed.

A Yearning for Sonny

A friend posted in Facebook that she had a bad night last night and a bad day today. She said she was snuggling with her dog in the bed and that made her feel better. I thought of Sonny. He was my doxie for nearly 16 years. I felt the familiar yearning to see him again. He slept with me. I often gave him the best part of my cozy little bed. People who do not understand the relationship a person can have with a beloved dog think giving the dog the best part of the bed because he has already gone to sleep and you don't want to wake him up is insane. Well, to be honest, it seemed so to me at times also but I rarely disturbed Sonny once he found his "spot". In the last months of his life he began sleeping right in the middle of the bed leaving no room for me so I would move him gently to one side. He was blind and had progressive congestive heart failure and was probably a wee bit deaf. Moving him startled him at times but I had to sleep and I always petted him and we talked about the time when I would need to let him go. I promised him that I would be brave and let him go when there was no more quality of life for him. I remember my last night with him. He was struggling for breath and trying to rest. I gave him a pain pill to ease his discomfort and I stroked him and whispered to him how much I loved him. We went to the vet the next day and, as I expected, I came home and Sonny did not come home. He was off running free from pain and suffering. He may have met Rico and Sugar, two cats he grew up with, as soon as he crossed over. I was left here to grapple with the realization that the love I shared with Sonny transcended our differences. We were the best of the best...true family. I am not ready to start a new relationship with a dog at this moment though I know there will come a day when I will meet a dog who calls my name and I will call him mine.

Good-night, Sonny, sleep well in your new home! I love you!

Early Morning, Blurry eyes

went to bed close to on time last night. woke up almost 8 hours later. this is a freaking miracle for me. opened the blinds a bit to see slices of a blue sky with large, puffy clouds and the sun strutting herself coming up high enough to shine into my window through my neighbor's pines and water oak trees. i am a tree freak. a trend in our neighborhood is to cut down trees that are inconvenient. each tree taken down hurts me deeply. our park has been protected by these trees during storms and hurricanes. i have lived here 13 years and not one tree has fallen on one home. debris? yes, goodness knows, pines make debris an art form. they can be a monumental inconvenience but does that mean cuting them down for our convenience is justifiable in the scheme of things. call me an eccentric. call me a tree hugger. trees are beautiful. they give far more than they take. well enuff of that sermon from me. i have my opinions. i won't beat the page to death writing about them further.

prayers came to my mind the moment i opened my eyes. God is magnificent. God is my abba (father)! God is the God of theAngel Armies! Praise God from whom all blessings flow. I know! It does not always seem that blessings flow from God to you. The only way to know someone is to spend time with them. The better you know them the more you trust and understand them. word!

gotta get ready for work. i'm craving caffeine big time. i think i'll hit mickey d's before getting started this morning. i wish each of you a very groovy day filled with glittering joys and peace of mind.

Monday Night Short Version

There are small raindrops falling tonight. Enough to dampen my hair but not to wet my clothing. No wind of any remark. I stole a glance towards the watertower on my way home from mom's believing that any respectable owl would not sit that high above the ground without benefit of cover to keep him dry. To my surprise Mr. Owl is perched in stark relief against the light fogginess of the night lit up by the reflection of the tower's red light. He is unabashedly in full view. One might even say highlighted against the sky for all to see if they thought of looking for an owl on top of the tower. I threw Mr. Owl a laugh letting him know I find him amusing tonight perched high in the air with a light rain coming down.

I contacted an old friend today. I met him on an airplane flight several years ago when I was coming home from a business trip. He and I talked of deep areas of our lives. His daughter has severe physical and, resultant, emotional and mental problems. He and his wife are bound to her 24 hours a day either in direct care or with the use of care providers who must stay with her every moment of the time they are in the home. This has been going on for a number of years now without much change, flickers of hope here and there but no real change. Certainly no significant change to their lives and  their hurt and pain at their child's suffering has occurred. My friend is a man of faith and so deeply faithful to his daughter. So many prayers have gone up on his family's behalf. Watching a situation like this I tend to wonder where are the answers to the prayers. What do God's answers look like because I know He answers. I just can't see the answers. I pray that my friend does see the answers even if only as glimmers and pieces of hope and trust. The years are passing by and exhaustion has long become a  way of life for his family. His daughter's condition is an accumulation of several illnesses. Each one is difficult and heartbreaking in its' own right. Pooled together they provoke a disability that is beyond my ability to absorb. Yet my friend is a gracious man and he loves God and he shares himself and his story as he travels. Maybe someone who hears his story gains hope and strength for their own struggles. Maybe that is God's answer for this present time. Love is a beautiful thing when it is sacrificial and offered freely without conditions. My friend loves this way. He has said that on a good day he finds sees that love in his daughter and is in awe.

I wish you peace if you are reading this post tonight. I wish you hope and joy. Life is so delicate and fragile. Be gentle with it.

HUH??

Free floating anxiety? Doesn't add up to me. Free floating and anxiety exist in two different worlds. Maybe Unknown Cause Anxiety or WTF anxiety or "beats the heck out of me" anxiety but not free floating. Clouds free float. Joyous moments free float. The fantabulous full moon shining high in the sky tonight free floats. The thought came to me a few minutes ago that I am having free floating anxiety. BAM! My next thought was...HUH? I have used that phrase for years and I do understand the rationale behind it but tonight I lost the belief in free floating anxiety. Free floating sounds happy. I could dance to free floating bliss. Anxiety drags me down. My focus becomes polarized and obsessive. Anxiety shrinks my world, creates paranoia, refutes my faith in life and claims my time. Free floating lifts me up, frames my life in hope, calls out to my faith and renews me.

                                                               FREE  FLOATING

A Post Before Bed

I don't know about any of you but I see weird things at times. Glimpses of something out of the corner of my eye or a shadow or a movement. A few days ago as I was walking up the ramp at my mom's I caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a tall, skinny wolf standing straight up on his hind legs as he ran around the corner of my mom's house. A flash of him and he was gone. I made note of it then went inside. No fear. No searching in myself for the meaning but I also do not discount myself when I get a glimpse that may be my imagination or may be a forewarning or may be shadows in the evening with the moon coming through the trees.

A few days later during the book study I attend at church I experienced a deep knowing in my spirit. I felt that the order of my life will change dramatically in the not so distant future. I felt that my mom is going to need much more care than she needs at this point in time and that her need will require more of me than I have imagined.

Tonight the moon is full. The clouds surround it in patterns of white and grey. I take no stock in such things as a full moon and yet I make mention of it because something is afoot in my world.

People rarely confound me. I believe I prefer denial to the knowings that ripple across my thinking as my intuition confronts me with pieces of a puzzle I prefer to allow to remain unsolved. Yet a voice I have come to know as the Holy Spirit draws my attention again and again to the pattern I see in the puzzle pieces. I ask for wisdom and yet draw back from the fruit of wisdom. I heard three owls calling today. It was not night though evening was near. Three! In my world something or someone is afoot. I don myself with the armor of God and prepare for a battle not of this world but of the princes and principalities of the dark one. Time will tell.

Lest you think I have gone off on a paranoid tangent I can assure you that is far from the truth. God is in charge. He always prepares me and you, if you will allow, for what is to come. He is love. Love shows me the way.