Under The Weather And I Ain't Lying

It is yuck time for this ole gal! My body and my brain feel as if they have been violated and left to fend for themselves. Exhaustion is a constant companion and I can't remember with any degree of accuracy. Today bronchitis took up residence.

Several days later...lawdy, lawdy! Antibiotics may not be working. RATS!! My respiratory system sounds like an old car on its' one last leg. My throat hurts a little and feels as if there is something in it clinging on for dear life.

Another day or so...place this word in your voacbulary of medical terminology you need to know but have never heard...hyperparathyroidism or parathyroidism. After you have that word firmly planted remember it has nothing at all to do with the thyroid. The glands sit on either side of ther thyroid. It has absolutely nothing to do with your thyroid. Nothing to do with having taken too much or too little calcium in your life. It just happens to some folk. The precious little glands control the distribution of the calcium in your blood.  It can take years to identify because many of the symptoms fit other categories. A blood test and a scan of the area in your throat where these little buggers reside will seal the deal on whether or not hpt (hyperparathyroidism) is at the root of all evil.

Exhaustion - unbelievable exhaustion
fuzzy thinking - can't find my butt cheeks with both my hands
osteoporisis - probably...i do know my teeth have started breaking off
depression - beyond anything I could think or imagine..just, excuse my french, fucking unbelievable. 
irritability - you would have to ask my husband about that one. poor thing.
lack of sleep - honey, please
kidney stones

the list is longer...just found out tonight that the reason my eyes have been blurring words is another symptom 

Surgery is on the 20th. Im'ma hang on for that surgery. I've seen fire and I've seen rain, y'all but this is not funny and did I tell you this stuff can kill you. Slowly, miserably but dead is dead. I have the urge to write a deeply blue, blues song but I cannot remember the words. I think them and they are gone. Poof! It isn't even like being stoned or having flashbacks. It is the absence of...do you hear me...the absence of whatever use to be where it was before this stuff started. Surgery is highly successful with a return to better than you were before you can remember...course at this point that would be 2 seconds but you catch my drift. 

When I was around 9 years old I lived in Ghana, West Africa and I had dysentery. I almost died from dehydration and high fever. I remember it to this day. I am not running a fever at the moment but I would swear my body is burning up. When I was 9 in Africa is the last time I remember feeling this awful. 

I have not filed my taxes, I have not paid a credit card bill for two months, I have lost track of where most stuff is that I use in the house and I wash clean clothes while leaving the dirty ones on the floor. 

So yeah, I am looking for that surgery like a sniper on high alert. 

O.K. I suppose that is a rant...what I just wrote...but it's the truth if I ever told it. 

10 days. 10 days. With the grace of God and the prayers of the faithful I can make it 10 more days.

           

Perfection for the Hypochondriac

I have no idea who reads this blog, well, I know one person who reads it regularly. Beyond that I do not know and I use a pen name so it may be that at this point I need to state that I have not felt physically well in a long time. Mentally is another matter all together. I have been diagnosed and found answers at times and I have had multiple symptoms that were not explained by tests of various kinds. I am not a hypochondriac. I have that on good authority from highly trained professionals. So...it is a little ironic and downright interesting that I am now diagnosed with a sickness that lists almost every symptom I have had over the past years. And, it is the perfect list for a hypochondriac...a hypochondriac's dream list. I have never heard of this sickness until now. I feel lousy, extremely depressed...well, look it up and read the list...I feel most of them and have for awhile now.

Hyperparathyroidism. I have it. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I have a big ole case of it. I am symptomatic, blood tested and scanned with 100% certainty. I am ecstatic. They have found a "something they can fix". Simple surgery with almost instantaneous results. Read about it. I ain't lying. The surgery is on the neck so that is a delicate place but these are technologically improved days so the surgery is quick, out patient and, per everything I read, positive results occur in less than hours. I may feel physically better than I have felt in years. I am stoked.

Meanwhile, I am depressed to the point of wondering if I need someone with me most of the time and I have the energy of a slug. I forget everything, names of things, where I was three seconds ago, haven't filed my taxes yet, cannot seem to organize two items on a table by themselves and am not sure I care. Bring on the surgery. You can cool believe I am ready for it!

And if you know a hypochondriac...show them the list...make their day!

Six Minutes To Ramble

Six minutes before signing on for work. An eternity if waiting for the surgeon to arrive with the news, good or bad. Six minutes that seemed like one minute when I was younger and playing outside at twilight with my friends. My mind is heavy with a need to go back to bed and rest. Doing a stream of consciousness has turned into doing a trickle of spacy. Six minutes are up. Jeez!

Toning It Down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Numbness or Acceptance

It is late or early dependent on perspective. I will be brief. A pox on anyone who reads that part and laughs!

I find myself in a mode of response that I cannot define as either numbness or acceptance. In the midst of constant stress of mind and body I am calm. But the calm seems eerie. I do not feel a fight or flight response. Either I have achieved a significant milestone or I have, at long last, gone numb to daily stimuli. Answers elude me. Shock and awe of how difficult life can become illicit an action or a short-lived sting to my system. The response does not last. The waters close over the point where the stone made a splash, the resultant ripples widen out heading towards the shoreline of my psyche. They do no arrive. They do not disturb. 

Have I arrived or did the train run off the track a few miles back? I cannot say. An uncomfortable inertia holds me in this place. Numbness or acceptance? I dunno!

Temptation

 The slithering, seductive serpent of self-pity courted me this week. More time at the doctor's office, more medication, more restrictions, a bad tooth demanding a percentage of my attention and an all but empty wallet are fertile ground for thoughts of self-pity to flourish. The vile creature slithering ever closer need not waste energy setting me up by whispering doubts and fears in muted hissings. I had taken myself the first steps into the vortex of self-pity. The loathful serpent, tongue flickering ever closer to me, had a deeper intent, an ancient intent bathed in a hatred nurtured by the fires of hell. I stood teetering on the precipice of the vortex, soaking in the familiar moanings of "why me", "no hope", "no one cares". For an instant in time I gloried in the angst of my situation, my despair, my loss. I began to drop to a kneeling position at the altar of myself. The serpent's head hung swaying slighly from side to side. He felt a victory. He seemed to smile and thrust out his body in a posture full of pride and viral hatred. Ah, sly serpent of the damned. I was doing well enough on my own. You showed yourself in all your unholy confidence and, my soul, recognizing the truth in the revelation of your dark joy, cried out to Jesus. "Jesus, help me!" Jesus, help me!"

The vortex disappeared, the serpent slithered off, smaller now and broken for the moment. Self-pity slipped from my mind as a shadow fades in the light. Peace held court in my spirit. A vestige of the horrors I had courted hung for a moment in thoughts. I asked for forgiveness. Yes, the serpent of death met me on the path I had chosen but I chose the path. I chose to live outside of the love of my Father and take my own fate into my hands. Yet, my Father's love and eternal grace instantly covered my sin. He rescued me. He removed the filth of the sin. Again.

Wondering

I cannot help but wonder what possessed me to blow at least 13 years of my life on drugs, alcohol and any number of choices that stemmed from those habits. I don't stare at this line of questioning for long periods of time. Insanity lies at the heart of tearing apart the past to explain the future. Reaping the benefits of a life packed with extreme stress and mastering the art of being invisible is tough to accept. I wonder if anyone saw me and thought of interceding. There is the better than good chance that I would have run like a scalded dog. The "aha" moments in life follow suffering at one's own hands.Maybe it took every step of my journey to be who I am today. Indulging in believing I might have chosen another path had someone shouted out to warn me of the road ahead is deep  indulgence indeed. As I remember those days I remember that I was invested in the life I chose at the time. I also remember that I saw only the moment, felt only the consequence's of that moment, saw no tomorrow and had no plans past the here and now. Looking back I am amazed at the darkness I walked in, the tumbling, changing, ever evolving scenes of my life. Was innocence part of the equation? More than likely it was the scars of what I do not discuss here. More than likely I was numb yet brilliant in my masterful disguises. I believe there were a few people who caught a glimpse of me and, after some thought, turned away. I had an answer for everything. Through the morass of depression, despair, confusion and utter lonliness I stepped out in public as a woman without a care. Recently I found out that the world has not changed. Most folks don't see and, if they catch a glimpse, they find fault with me for having shown myself. I am not a victim. There are many people like me hiding in the shadows of what is not spoken. My anger and need to hurt myself through self-destructive choices have gone. But I wonder if someone had seen me way back in the day if I would have lent a ear.