Today is a holiday. It has been raining since early this morning except for a brief respite which, if the thunder in the background is a good indicator, is about to end. I woke up with big plans of accomplishing tasks here at home. Tasks need to be accomplished. I am one degree away from being void of the necessary skills for domesticity. One more genetic trait bequeathed on me by my paternal grandmother. Delitha, her name, was a force to reckoned with in her own right. She was not a housekeeper. She stayed home, cooked huge meals for tobacco crews coming in for lunch, maintained all the tasks keeping hearth and home together but did not seem to possess a decorating skill or a will to be unnecessarily clean in her housekeeping. I will yield to the fact that Delitha had, for most of my life, a garden, chickens, pigs and other responsibilities that I cannot pleasd to support my position on housekeeping. Nevertheless it cannot be denied that genetically I am aligned with her in important ways, eccentric ways, intellectual ability, and I do have her boobs, belly, butt and sway in my back due to scoliosis. My sense of humor came from the other side of the genetic gene pool as did the fact that I look younger than my years. I much prefer writing to making the bed, putting up clothing, cleaning the bathroom, oh dear, the list is long. Writing this out brought me to my senses. I am going to accomplish a task or two. I will return later to heap large measures of praise on myself.

Yeah, it is late! Wanna make something of it?

At 1:31 a.m. I need to assert a bit of aggression to help me believe I will make it through the day. Today turned into a slow marathon. Computer problems in the morning when I was working turned into unsurmountable mountains by the time I was scheduled to work in the afternoon. Around 3:00 p.m. I contacted the tech support for the company providing internet service. They were great! Problem was that this darling computer had a number of something called toolkit viruses. By the time the tech ran all the tests, malware, scanned every single item in the computer and then got rid of the viruses it was after 11:00 p.m. Who knew? This meant I missed three hours of scheduled work which is not good for my stats, no one took them when I placed them up for trade and I had no time to sleep before my 2 a.m. shift. I failed to mention that the anti-virus put on the computer by the internet provider tech thought all of my work related programs had viruses so I had to call the work techies and ask them to help. Clock kept ticking. Mission accomplished!

Now for the toolkit virus and the insidious way it operates. When someone downloads the newest Acrobat version from the Acrobat site there is frequently a download for something like Google Chrome. There is a box that asks if you would like it to download it also. The box is checked. If you or I do not notice that detail then Google Chrome will download along with the Acrobat update download. Fortunately Google  Chrome is not a bad download though it is irritating to have it show up when you had no idea it was piggybacking on the Acrobat download. Other sites, though, do not have such friendly downloads piggybacking on them. So, when downloading it is important to carefully check for downloads that will come along with the download we want for ourselves. I had about 6 tag along when trying to download something for my grandson. I had all sorts of things going on and it took me forever to finally uninstall those rascals. I may have a virus or 20 from times like that so take a page out of my playbook and check carefully for these rascals looking to hitch a ride with your download. The tech says these virsuses work their way into the system files. Makes for some pretty nasty stuff going on with the puter when they finally show themselves. Fortunately my mom pays money every month to have the tech support so all 7 or 8 hours of tech support were free. I cannot imagine what it would have cost by the hour.

This is why I am pulling an all-nighter. The best laid plans of mice and men and all those kind of sayings. I have something to say to all my online co-workers who have been whining about not getting enough work hours. I tried to give away three hours today and not one of those people took those hours. I want them to whine next week when hours come out. I'm gonna lay in wait for them and sideswipe them in the chat room. Know why? Just because I can.

Well, the bell is about to toll for me. Hopefully I will not get multiple calls from India tonight. I don't have anything against India. I can't understand them. Spelling their names is tough no matter how slowly they spell them. Oh, I would prefer not to get too many from China also. Again, not for lack of love, but for lack of understanding Mandarin Chinese with a little bit of English mixed throughout. O.K. I am becoming one of those whiny people. Grateful to have a job I am. TTFN

Writing While The Sun Is Up!

In the spirit of going to bed on time and modeling the ability to change inherent behavior patterns I am writing during the day. Late at night I believe I am clever. My defenses are down. I ramble on with, what again, I believe, is a ramble enhanced by the hour and exhaustion. Ridiculous in perspective. No different from the perception that all writers are eccentric, depressed, driven by internal urges unknown to the masses...yada, yada, yada.

The truth, as I see it today, is that writing and writing well requires me to....get ready for the surprise....WRITE! Practice, practice, practice. Oh drudgery! My spirit resists the bit in the mouth vision of practice. My dream is to be a successful, respected, and yes, eccentric writer simply because I write freely, unfettered by convention, grammar, plot, plan, characters and the like. Yes, I want to achieve my dreams without the detritus of the word, "achieve". Achieve implies doing what I do in progression. Reaching for the stars by first standing on a bucket, a ladder, a barn top, the top of a tall building until, attempt after attempt I am among the stars. Ever the arrogant, self-centered sober alcoholic, I believe there will come a moment when inspiration will fling itself on me, rush through my brain to my fingers and write as if I have been writing for years and years. People will gasp. Intellectuals will ponder. Friends will glow in joy for my success. (sounds just like the little boy who wants the BB gun for Christmas, you know, the movie I can never remember the name of). He fought off Bad Bart and his crowd with his BB gun.

In reality he richoted the pellet, fell backwards and stepped on his own glasses creating the necessity to lie or die at the hands of his parents (or so he thought). Yep, this is me, daydreaming of glory while tripping over reality, falling over the word "practice" and lying to myself that talent plus arrogance will one day equal the fulfillment of my dreams.

I'm writing while the sun is up. Practice. Practice.

Still Here

I don't know where the past week went but it has indeed gone by and I have not written since Monday. UGH!! Not what I intended for myself. There is a reason though and a good one, I might add.

I am going to bed at an earlier hour. All lights off. Everything left undone remains undone and I go to bed. I tend to write late at night so this place of where I write to write has gone untended.

I am going to reprioritize... Stop hanging out watching t.v...mainly Bones episodes on Netflix. Maybe just one episode instead o two or three. Writing is moreimportant to me. Sleep is critical. My child-like side likes to avoid these "things that are better for me" but I am through paying the price for my own willful inner child. (psycho babble but I gotta go to bed so is the best I can for now). My inner life is often more like a drunk live monkeys show but nuff said. Signing off and doing the right thing!

Hip! Hip! Hooray! Jolly good ole'girl!

Tootles!

Good morning before Good night!

I have been staying up until 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. about four days now. Went to sleep early last night because Micah was here with me. It is nearly 2:30 a.m. now and there is not doubt that I am awake at the moment. Cogent? Wouldn't pass an i.q. test right at the moment but I can write. I need to write.

We had a birthday party for my son today. He turned 38 years old. I love him more than any words can express.

I am a Christ follower. I pray. I know from many personal experiences in my life that God is intimately involved in the details of my life, the lives of my family and my friends. Yet, I fear. An od fear has returned. A deep, dark fear that permeates as a night fog permeates the darkness. A fear that gives me a chill. It is old, well known to me and I am defenseless in the face of it. Without God I would have lost my sanity to this fear. With God I have all hope. Still I am experiencing this fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Folks dismiss fear with statements about lack of faith, just pray, let go, etc. I have done the same when others were in fear. Those responses serve to put distance between the person making the statement and the person experiencing fear. Deep within me I think I still suspect that God is going to take something precious from me because I have been so inadequate in my walk with Him. I believe, somewhere in my heart, that I still need to pay a price, suffer an even greater loss, be stripped of the ones I love. I don't believe I have ever fully and completely understood that I am free and that God is not taking His pound of my flesh out of me as repayment for my previous life. The old nightmare of waiting, sensing, holding my emotional breath has returned. I am praying. I do trust God. It is myself I don't trust. I don't trust that I can wait on God. I don't trust that I deserve God's favor...not in the deep and dark times of my life. I imagine the worst. Today I understood that I cannot endure the worst now. I have changed. My survival skills are worn and out of date. Even more than that, I fully know that God is asking me to let go and wait on Him. I wonder if I can obey or if I will fail and move out ahead of Him. I wonder if I will pay for that with a thrashing from God. I am only being honest. I know beyond a shadow of doubt what God has done in my life. He will not thrash me. I am His beloved. But I will thrash myself and hide myself from God assuming a disfavor that never comes. Father, I believe. Help heal my unbelief!

I am going to sleep. Turns out I do get tired and ready for sleep. Turns out I am human. Imagine that!

Just playing with thoughts...

Tonight is the last time I even address the issue of Google+. I gave it one more try but I do not like all the "you must" and "this will change everywhere in Google". Ultimatums put a bad taste in my mouth  especially as I use a pen name and Google+ insists I use my name or allows me to change my name with the "universal Google" thing going on. Thus, I am officially not acquiring anymore Google+ than I already have today which I did not realize I had done when I was toying with it originally.

I did not work today. Literally. I stayed home with the exception of a short trip to the grocery. Watched a bunch of episodes of a show on Netflix that I cannot name at this moment. I knew the name until I wanted to write it. If the name were a dame, she would have just stood up and walked out the door, shut it and disappeared around the corner. Anyhoo...I also watch Bones on Netflix. I have a solid addiction to that series.

Yes, I do sound frivolous and laidback. I may well be frivolous in my t.v. viewing but I am not laidback. I give the appearance of laidback but only to those who know me casually..passing acquaintances. Intense is a word more often assigned to me. Of late I have been home, at work (my mom's house), church, wal-mart and an occasional coffee with a girlfriend, drs. visit and such. My world is small indeed. Working from home has proven to me that I, despite a gregarious bent to my personality, am fond of a small world. Who knew? The fact of the matter is that I am thinking I need to encourage myself to get out amongst people for the sake of it. No purposed decision. No, I need to be "tres" casual in my wanderings. If, that is, I have wanderings. I have copious amounts of "wonderings". Do they count, I wonder? (clever of me, don't you think?). I wonder where birds go when it rains. I wonder how stuff gets to my computer and out from me to your computer cause I just cannot grasp it in the air traveling along or on a cable speeding within seconds across the world. I wonder how deep the deepest part of the ocean is and if I would be able to swim there knowing how deep it is and all. I wonder if I will ever fully grow-up or if I will be consigned to the quasi-world of adulthood laced with childish musings? I wonder, wonder who wrote the book of love? (quoting a song and singing it in my head while writing.) Given another moment I will also choreograph people dancing to the song and build an environment around them complete with costuming and set design. Yes, I think "laidback" is a misnomer "pour moi"!

"What's with the French, lady?" a voice shouts from inside my head. "Pretentious drivel, don't ya think?" Pondering this question and the fact that it has been birthed from my own psyche makes me wonder just a little bit. Just a little bit is all though. I pretend to ignore the source of the shouts, shrugging my shoulder slightly with an air of nonchalance. Why let on that I wonder? It is my world and the source of the shouting is just living in it! Au revoir!

Quantico Good-byes!

Today my friend was buried in Quantico, Va. with full military honors. His wife will be buried beside him when that time comes. She had no idea that her husband would have this privilege. I could not attend that service but I was with them in spirit. What a fitting ending to the good-bye moments! This man will stay tucked in tight and close to my heart. His widow is my forever friend also. God has blessed me with such people in my life from time to time. I am honored.

It is late. I start work early tomorrow and work through the day. I wish I could say that I will be asleep in a flash. That is not likely for me. I would love to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and sleep deeply until waking in the morning. Such a sleep is a delicious fantasy for me. More often than not it is the opposite of my fantasy. This has been a trait of mine from the time I was a baby. I remember a few times I have slept a full eight hours. What a treat! My mind and body crave that experience again. No drug could replicate the luciousness of a deep, renewing rest. Ah, life, best taken as it presents itself. Ruminations of things I cannot change do me harm. Sleep may come to me later in life. Certainly it will, one day, come to me as my life ends and my new one begins.

Sweet dreams my fallen friend! One day we will meet again. Rested, complete, bathed in love and the glory of God. Until then I hold you in my heart with treasured memories to comfort me along my way. To God be the glory!