Absence of Audio

My doggone phone is on the blink. No audio. I can text but I don't hear any sounds of the phone at all. No beeping, no playing tunes, no helpful little melody to let me know I have a message. Nada! Nothing! People calling in saying whatever and I can see the seconds going by as I look at my phone. They don't hear me and I don't hear them.

So the answer is to get another phone or only use this one for texting. What a monumental pain in the tush! I am having withdrawals from that little, ridiculously archaic cell phone! ARRGHH-H-H!

I would march off into the land of "off the grid" but I have been watching t.v. and that "off the grid" stuff is not an easy life. Chopping wood, cooking with propane, out houses for toilets, gardening, raising chickens and no electricity. I am simply not fed with creature comforts on that  level.

Oh, I once I wanted to be a pioneer. When I was younger I wanted to go back to the "good ole days". Having my illusions shattered by watching the folks on educational t.v. felt funky. I do not like anything that interferes with a dream I want to live out. But the fact of the matter is that I have come to love things like that stupid, little cellphone. I like hot and cold running water and I don't want to think about an out house. I am a poser pioneer! That is just plain sad.

Who knew? A sense of embarassment meets up with my sense of relief. We are all living in one conumdrum or the other. This is one of mine. To be or not to be! That is the question, isn't it?

October 30th  A New Dawn

A friend of mine gave me a Nokia Lumina (?) phone that she had dropped in water and thought was done for but placing it in rice and waiting a long time saved the phone. During that time she bought an updated phone and she gave me her dry phone. It is light years ahead of my burnt out flip phone. I have no clue how to use most of the features. I am learning. Like most advances in technology that enter my world I am now spoiled forever for the second cheapest flip phone StraightTalk had to offer. I have a new love. My friend bought the plan, transferred my number and information  from my old phone to my "new phone" declaring that she did not intend to go one more day without having  access to me. That alone should give a clue to this woman's mental health but who am I to judge. She loves me. She is a blessing in my life. She continually offers herself as a friend, a confidante, a rescuer and I offer whatever it is that she thinks I offer. It seems to work. Has now for a number of years.

So now I have a phone with bells and whistles. Not the most recent on  the scene but more than I would have bought for myself. I find that happens to me often. I was given 2 Kindles, my IPAD and now this phone. I did not ask for any of them or even hint strongly. I am not above hinting strongly.

Anyway...it is nearly 3:20 a.m. and I start my first short shift of my job working from home. Why did I choose a 3:20 a.m. shift? Is it because I am mad crazy for that $8.00 an hour? Maybe. The hours add up during the week. The paycheck makes a signifigant difference. No one else from here to Kansas with this company wants to work early hours. When I realize that  I have chosen that hour of the morning to start my day I question my wisdom. I wish taking an early morning shift were the deepest wisdom I had to question.

I wish a little girl, not too far from where I live, did not have pneumonia. She is four and yet her tiny body is crippled with severe scoleosis (sp?) and pneumonia could be the beginning of the end of her life. We prayed for her and her family at church last night. I pray now that she has already begun to heal and that her mom and dad will have more time with her. God knows and we placed it in God's hands but did boldly ask.

May the peace of God be with you!

Jeez Louise

I am typing this on the ipad. It has been much longer than I realized since I wrote. Time has melted  away. That statement is far too mellow considering the events that have filled up the passage of the time.

I will only say that the past few weeks have been mind numbing. At certain times I have been convinced that I was losing my ability to process information. The truth is that I reverted to survival mode living each hour as it played out. The possibility exists that people meeting me for the first time have walked away puzzled by the distracted woman they met. My thoughts have been jumbled and yet clear as a bell which continues to confuse me.

It is after two in the a.m. I don't feel anxious or depressed.  I feel numb. Drifty. And at this point sleepy. Time to allow myself to rest.

Next day and at mom's desktop:

Back at the computer...darn large print will not save so I am just gonna go with this itty-bitty print. And I am going to stop. Time to go back to work. Rats!!

Next day on ipad again:

Visit with shrink today. Questions and answers...back and forth and I came to the realization that my friend John's diagnosis of 3 to 6 months to live is at the center of my angst. The knowledge fades away only to come back to me with a painful realization bringing me to a place I cannot bear. John is dying. John will be gone. John can't go. I want John to stay. Oh, God! John is dying. NO! I cannot allow it. I cannot breathe as the knowledge moves through my spirit, through my heart, through all the memories of time with John and then with John and his precious Ms. Bea.  I am distraught. I hate the inevitability of losing John. I'm not ready. I will never be ready. I suspect I will be willing as John's disease progresses. I suspect I will ask God to take Him. I suspect that time is not far of and I feel as if a vast desert has opened up before me. The horizon ripples with the heat of my sorrow. I know God will lift me up to where He desires me to be in a place of love for John and Bea. I know God is allowing me this time of agony and I know that time is nearly over. John is worth the best I have to offer with God's grace covering every step. For now I can nearly stand the pain.

Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would help, love lifted me!

Where Is Everything?

It is Sunday around noon. Normally I would be leaving church about now. My grandson has strep throat so we are home. Doing very little...IPAD....LAPTOP...sleeping, falling asleep. I personally have been on the verge of falling asleep since we returned from the urgent care last night. I have finally gotten up and am in a semi-state of wakefulness. I feel as if I have been drugged. Last night I basically fell onto my bed and slept. Woke up two hours later, took night meds, fell onto the bed again and slept. Woke up at 6 a.m. for a short time with no sense of anything other than a compelling urge to sleep more. At this moment I am on the edge of sleep but trying to be awake to do something around this place. Couldn't text...kept falling asleep. Took me forever to get a text off to my pastor. Fell asleep multiple times.

I have periodic times when my body, especially lower back and legs are in absolute turmoil. My body seems to have gone to war with itself. I am uncomfortable day and night for 3 to 4 days. I bet if I had been paying attention I would find that this absolute exhaustion follows one of those episodes.

Doctors have not made a diagnosis. They give me medication for restless legs but that has no power when an episode hits and fully engages me. My thinking goes fuzzy, I am clumsy, my muscles pull in my feet and my back aches across the lower part. Then it goes away. So weird.

Meanwhile my wonderful grandson is playing music on the ipad and recovering from strep throat and hubby is zonked out in bed. The cats are languishing in various hiding places. No energy here. No smarts to access.

Can't find the thermometer. Can't find triple A batteries. Can't find my arse with both my hands. I am drifting through the day. The entire household is drifting through. If the trailer were moving it would be floating along a few feet off the ground fueled by a serious lack of ambition.

Is this what they call a "lazy sunday"? If my name were Susan I could be a "lazy Susan"! Irrelevelant. So irrelevant.

Hope you are having a lovely Sunday and that you can find your way out of a paperback.

Untitled

Untitled as a post title is ridiculous. The moment I keyed it in I realized that Untitled is the title.

Sunday night. I am sitting in my living room with my grandson, my granddaughter a couple of cats and I am as relaxed as I am able to get these days. We are all on an IPAD or laptop. My granddaughter is, in truth, my step-granddaughter. She is 18 years old and she is autistic. She is wonderful and she is absorbed in a world of anime on her IPAD. I am learning to communicate with her in what I hope is a comfortable level for her. She rocks back and forth talking gently to herself and watching anime characters. When she talks to me about it I am fascinated at the intricacy of her anime world. The characters, their names, their family historys and what is to come in the future of that world absorb her. 

My grandson is sitting in a rocking chair with my IPAD playing Minecraft...  

Monday night. Danielle spent two nights with us. I am certain it  has everything to do with internet service. She spends an entire day with her ipad and her anime friends. It is the first time I have spent any time with a young person who is autistic. I did some reading and understand that Danielle responds in true statements with very little fluff, if any, involved. I find that intensely refreshing. The answer is either yes or no, like or dislike. Today she spent the entire day in my room absorbed completely in her own world. Tonight she had to go home as I will not be here much of tomorrow. There is, currently, no internet at her home so she was completely unhappy. I promised to pick her up tomorrow when I get off work and bring her here. I am not sure if she understood that concept fully. I believe her thoughts are rather in the moment and future promises have no true value. What a privilege God is giving me to learn how to communicate with someone who thinks completely different from my way of thinking and what a privilege to have the opportunity to relieve her distress by providing something as simple as wi-fi. After brief reading I accept that our relationship is based almost entirely on the practical need for wi-fi. It suits me just fine. One more person God has placed in my life for me to love and to have love me in her unique and honest way.

Yay, God!

Just wondering...

I'm not sure if I am making a difference or if I am running at full speed from a truth I cannot accept! When I was young, fifteen or so, I would lock my room door at night, check the closet over and over for someone or something waiting to get me when I slept. I checked under the bed over and over looking for a hand that would touch my leg when I slept. Many nights I stayed awake till almost dawn listening to soul music from far off Indiana or 45's spinning on the record player. I held something or someone at bay then. I wonder if I'm doing that now? I wonder If I am making a difference or if I am running from a truth I cannot accept.

Please Don't Scold!

I know that I am well past my bedtime. I am closer to my getting up time than my going to bed time. I meant to go to bed since about 2:00 p.m. today. A silly thought given my plans for the remainder of the day.

My daughter, who lives in Virginia, was asked to show two of her photographs at an art store on the waterfront in our town. It was an exhibition titled, "The Soul of A Woman". She won an honorable mention on her first time entering an exhibition. I am bragging so I am going to repeat that she was "asked". It was in the local paper so I am bragging and telling the truth at the same time. What an odd sensation!

I took my son and his family with me. At some point tonight I realized that I had been in a location with both my son and daughter at the same time. It has been a long, long time since I remember our schedules blending. How sweet a moment for me!

Great time! Laughs! Appreciation of art bringing with it a craving in me to create. All of this lovely time together alongside the fears of my son's family needing to find a place to live in a week. Their car broke down this week and neither my son or his wife have a job. Actually, my son has a job starting next week paying him the average pay for our pay stricken area. Tonight showed that beauty, family, evening air along the water and the company of people we would never meet otherwise can co-exist with the gut level concerns of finding a home within a week, starting a new job that same week and getting a car repaired that same week. For a  while we  lost ourselves enjoying Lynne's success. viewing the work of other artists, laughing together, talking and talking and interacting with the other artists. Very groovy.

My granddaughter and I also volunteered at the adopt-a-thon for cats today. Why it was held under a canopy in a grassy field on a day when the heat and humidity had animals and humans panting and drinking downing fluids is beyond my comprehension. Not to mention a large colony of red ants who resented the intrusion of the people volunteering to show the shelter dogs. Again, we were happy volunteering and playing with the cats while being hot and a bit miserable. Again the reminder that joy and discomfort can, and often do, co-exist with one another.

Perhaps the Apostle Paul had this in mind when he admonished us to rejoice in all things. Certainly today's discomforts did not, under any circumstance, emulate the challenges met by Paul but, as a micro example, they work well.

Going to bed now. Later.

Waiting for the clothes to Wash

I will let you in on a little secret. I am motivated to write at this very moment. I have purpose and a set amount of time that I must fill with writing. My motivation stems from a basic need, an understanding that this is the perfect time to put fingers to the keyboard composing myself and my imaginings into words on a screen. So much for pen to paper though there is much to be said for the intimacy of handwriting out sentences, page after page.

My purpose, my motivation for writing at this very moment hinge on one thing. I am waiting for the clothes to finish washing. Yep! There is a deep wisdom to ponder in that motivation. Creativity birthed out of a common, ordinary load of clothes slushing around in water and soap. Many are the times I have waited for the last spin of the washing machine drum. Waiting for excess water to spin out of the clothing. Waiting. Waiting. Perhaps I could do a spoof on a Stephen King novel using the droning of the machine as it spins on and on and on in a seemingly endless cycle. I, waiting, believing at any minute the cycle will end and I will have relief from the sound of the ceaseless spin. Tortuous spin. The dryer sits quietly waiting for clothing to dry. The spin cycle continues. My eyes are weary from staring into space waiting, my lips are parched with thirst. Yet, the source of all this.....WHAT...quiet? Is this a trick? Am I being lulled into a false sense of relief? Will the monsterous machine start up again when I begin to approach it? I feel a dread, a doubt that the spinning has ceased. Listen! No sounds from the hall. No gears changing for re-engagement. I feel ecstatic. I have won over the spinning cycle. I can now move to the drying cycle. The heat will build. The clothes will begin to dry. I will go to bed.

Phew! Eternity was only five minutes! How subtle eternity must be to hide itself within five minutes.