No breath and full of sadness!

A country song about loss, suffering and disappointment would be perfect in this post. I don't write songs. Could if I tried, I guess! Motivation is low because my breathing is short due to one of about six possible things. This is not my first time to this rodeo. Unfortunately I do feel different from other times. I trend to the dramatic when my breath is short. My doctor said it is normal to feel panic when suffocating. At least I am normal yet one more time. No unique in this girl, no sir! If I do it I can bet it has been done. In case the reader does not know it, uniqueness is the lifetime goal of any alcoholic worth their salt. Yes, I am sober and have been for a long time...what seems like an eternity. Yet, the traits followed me through the crucible of sobering up. A desire to be unique and larger than life dogs my steps. So, imagine the disappointment my ego has taken to find out that anyone who is not breathing well feels panic. If I had the energy I would invest some time in building up my panic. My doctor is not fooled and, as a matter of interest, does not think I exaggerate at all. Rats! I am a lousy sober alcoholic. Dang it! What is a girl to do with herself when breath comes at a premium and lethargy and depression lurk around her. Depression is a family gift. A genetic predisposition that has caught up with me in the past year or so. I was arrogantly proud of not being one of the folks in my family with depression. Don't count your chickens before they hatch, y'all.

And then...old nightmares come back to haunt me. I thought they were dead. I thought that fiery hell was over with and done. But, no! There are things that appear to be dead yet can resurrect in a skinny minute. Throw enough fuel on the fire and it will blaze with that hideous flame flickering out setting everything it touches on fire. I have no control over this nightmare. It is not mine. The flames burn me. They frighten me but I am not in charge of the fire. I pray and ask my Father in heaven for the courage to wait out this flaming inferno. I ask Him to help me to love the unloveable in this blaze of hell. One more time I am standing in the gap asking my Father God to protect the ones I love. I ask Him to hold back the Evil One from my family. I stand in the gap with the grace of my Father on one shoulder and the dread of the storm to come on the other.

So, yeah, I have short breath and I am full of sadness but I can't write a song about it. Could if I tried, I guess.