Life is difficult, which Scott Peck states as the first sentence of his book that I don't feel like looking up the name of at this moment. I read the book, more than once, and have heard that one sentence quoted over and over again as if that thought in itself must be brought to our attention again and again. We know that life is difficult. Why does the statement that life is difficult provide such a galvanizing moment when brought to our attention? The room gets quieter, some eyes water with tears, heads nod in solemn agreement. A presence of wisdom settles over the listener, the release of an unrealistic expectation that life were any other way is permissible. The truth is out. Life is difficult.
As if that were not enough in itself I, (don't know about you), make decisions on a daily basis that increase the probablity of difficulty. Confession is good for the soul and I could use a little "good for the soul" stuff so I will list a few of my "guaranteed to ensure difficulty" choices. Either you will find yourself in this or you will feel a sense of relief that you are not bent on proving Mr. Peck's statement beyond a shadow of a doubt.
1. I stay up late. O.K. I got to bed early. Early in the a.m. Often just before sunrise. New studies show that is one of the worst health habits I can choose. I would deny that I choose it but I would have to undo a million sentences I have made regarding personal choice. Not going to try to defend myself. Going to try to change this one. The evidence puts me squarely in the same grouping with people who smoke a pack a day after having been told they have emphysema and cancer is just a thought away. Busted.
2. I am overweight. No, I am, by medical standards, obese. Which, guess what, ties back into the lousy sleeping habits. Scientifically proven at this point. Obesity sucks. The word sounds nasty like something a school kid would say to gross out their friends. Busted.
3. I don't exercise. I have my reasons. Health reasons mostly and they are valid but not to the extent of inertness which has become my choice. Oh, I do hate the "choice" word! I want to exercise. Guess what lack of motivation to exercise ties back into...lack of sleep.
4. Poor eating habits - nuff said. Ties back into lack of sleep.
5. Neglecting to practice techniques for reducing stress in my life. Truth is I doubt I can make the stress go away but I can choose situations to lessen the effects of stress. Stress management. Guess what adds to stress and neglect and depression and feelings of hopelessness. LACK OF SLEEP!
That is enough confession. I can't say that my sould feels good at the moment. I will say that I write about myself to be transparent to anyone reading and to myself.
Why would an intelligent woman of 62 years of age continue to choose one habit that impacts every other part of her life dramatically? Life is difficult. Apparently that is not good enough for me. I seem to be reaching for a higher degree of difficulty. And, oh dear me, guess what? The less I sleep the more difficult it is for me to make an effective change. Viscious cycle. No excuses. Well, restless legs do hamper me from time to time. No, I do not want some chesse with that whine!
It is 11 p.m. I am going to bed. Five hours earlier than I went to bed last night or the night before. If you happen to read this blog I will report how I find myself after a week of going to bed at 11 p.m. What if I should feel competent and clear-headed with less of a craving for over-eating and the energy to exercise a wee bit? What if the fog clears up and I can see the horizon and call it good?
Good-night, sweet friends!
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
TAKING A SHORT BREAK.....
I've been sick of late. I am on steroids for a few more days. On steroids I kinda think like this:
so you can see my point!
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Just another blog
Naming each and every post becomes an ardous task for me. Normally days have passed since my last post. Life has happened, as it does to us all, in ups, downs, u-turns, aha moments; the options are limitless. Defining a blog when I have no defining point is exhausting. It reminds me of the song I learned years ago that is a girl singing to her mother and her mother replying. There is a French phrase in here. If I botch it I should confess that I skipped fully two-thirds of my French class my senior year. I passed that class. We were in Taiwan at a large school with teen-agers from all over the world. I remember very little of any specific class. French is memorable because I chose, for a reason lost to me now, to purposefully skip class. I digress. Defining a blog when I have no defining point reminds me of this song:
Girl: When I was just a little girl I asked my mother what would I be? Would I be pretty? Would I be rich? Here's what she said to me.
Mom: Que cera cera! Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see, que cera cera! What will be, will be.
And so I am tonight in the middle of a "Que cera cera!" blogging mood. There is no specific title. My life has been arbitrary, meandering and threading in and out of mind sets and life situations. I have had days of great personal emotional challenges when I found myself wondering if the all too common "mental illness" in my dad's side of the family has finally found me. At that time I honestly wanted to hide away and, if it wouldn't cause too much of a commotion, die. The emptiness, lonliness, self-criticism and absolute sense of abject failure feel too heavy to bear. At those times I find it difficult to share myself with someone else. I recognize that it is an intensely self-absorbed time and I cannot bear the platitudes, solutions, off-handedness that folks often toss out at times like that in my life so I don't tell anyone. At times like that I don't trust anyone with myself. I feel as if my skin is raw and the stakes are so high. My saving grace is that I do continue with my social life and attendance at church and working and care taking of my loved ones. I continue though I feel as if I cannot move and that I am bleeding out from a severe wound. The best cure is an opportunity to help someone else who is in a situation that requires me to focus outwardly. So I had that going on for a time and an opportunity appeared and I took it and felt better.
Dramatically different is the time I spend with my grandson. It is magical time for me. Our relationship transcends tiredness, worries, dark thinking or anything other than joy. I am so grateful for this child in my life. I have three other grandchildren who are my heart and when I am around them I feel that same sense of joy. I cannot express it in words other than to say I have found nothing more powerful in my life excepting the love of God. They are all growing up. That is o.k. This Friday night a friend of mine and I went to a local fort to hear a local zydeco band play. Beautiful evening, an awesome friendship, folks in their lawn chairs with their children running and playing and then the zydeco music. The zydeco music begins to take hold of the listener. At first there is a moment of familiarity and satisfaction, then a few people start to dance on the grass, by the third song the children become overwhelmed by the impulse to dance and frolic in front of the stage. That is what got me last night. Two little girls who danced with their grandma and then with themselves. Joyous little girls who began sticking their tongues out at me and making faces when they realized I was photographing them. I could not resist getting closer to them. Next thing I knew I was dancing with them, spinning in circles, clapping, twirling, laughing and lost in the joy of child-like wonder. So I know my grandchildren are growing up and I cherish the years in between now and then and I also know that children will appear who will call out that child-like part of me from here until then.
Oh, the entire week or so has been, in the words of an elderly woman who use to say, "interesting" when new things or situations confounded her. Things have been "interesting".
And so, I will leave you, dear reader, with this:
Girl: When I was just a little girl I asked my mother what would I be? Would I be pretty? Would I be rich? Here's what she said to me.
Mom: Que cera cera! Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see, que cera cera! What will be, will be.
And so I am tonight in the middle of a "Que cera cera!" blogging mood. There is no specific title. My life has been arbitrary, meandering and threading in and out of mind sets and life situations. I have had days of great personal emotional challenges when I found myself wondering if the all too common "mental illness" in my dad's side of the family has finally found me. At that time I honestly wanted to hide away and, if it wouldn't cause too much of a commotion, die. The emptiness, lonliness, self-criticism and absolute sense of abject failure feel too heavy to bear. At those times I find it difficult to share myself with someone else. I recognize that it is an intensely self-absorbed time and I cannot bear the platitudes, solutions, off-handedness that folks often toss out at times like that in my life so I don't tell anyone. At times like that I don't trust anyone with myself. I feel as if my skin is raw and the stakes are so high. My saving grace is that I do continue with my social life and attendance at church and working and care taking of my loved ones. I continue though I feel as if I cannot move and that I am bleeding out from a severe wound. The best cure is an opportunity to help someone else who is in a situation that requires me to focus outwardly. So I had that going on for a time and an opportunity appeared and I took it and felt better.
Dramatically different is the time I spend with my grandson. It is magical time for me. Our relationship transcends tiredness, worries, dark thinking or anything other than joy. I am so grateful for this child in my life. I have three other grandchildren who are my heart and when I am around them I feel that same sense of joy. I cannot express it in words other than to say I have found nothing more powerful in my life excepting the love of God. They are all growing up. That is o.k. This Friday night a friend of mine and I went to a local fort to hear a local zydeco band play. Beautiful evening, an awesome friendship, folks in their lawn chairs with their children running and playing and then the zydeco music. The zydeco music begins to take hold of the listener. At first there is a moment of familiarity and satisfaction, then a few people start to dance on the grass, by the third song the children become overwhelmed by the impulse to dance and frolic in front of the stage. That is what got me last night. Two little girls who danced with their grandma and then with themselves. Joyous little girls who began sticking their tongues out at me and making faces when they realized I was photographing them. I could not resist getting closer to them. Next thing I knew I was dancing with them, spinning in circles, clapping, twirling, laughing and lost in the joy of child-like wonder. So I know my grandchildren are growing up and I cherish the years in between now and then and I also know that children will appear who will call out that child-like part of me from here until then.
Oh, the entire week or so has been, in the words of an elderly woman who use to say, "interesting" when new things or situations confounded her. Things have been "interesting".
And so, I will leave you, dear reader, with this:
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
That GOD Has Placed You In - He that hath ears to hear, let him hear!
Romans 12:10-13 (NIV)
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
There is none like Him!
Today was a lifetime full of experience for me. Looking back I realize that each moment, each place and time of this day was overflowing with God's grace and mercy for me and for the people with whom I interacted, for the situations that were birthed and resolved from wake up until this moment I have been experiencing the mighty grace of a God who is faithful even as I teeter on the edge of falling He protects and defends me and He hears my prayers.
I don't want to go into details because I don't want to draw attention to myself so much as to the unbelievable and humbling grace of my Father who art in Heaven.
It began last night as I made a decision out of my self-will that, in the morning, created another decision of mine to cancel plans I had made to visit someone I love dearly who is sick and in the hospital and to be with his wife. I also had a friend who was going with me who cancelled because of a forgotten prior commitment. Had things gone according to my plans we would have visited in the morning and I would have been home in time to attend a graduation party in the afternoon.
I attended the graduation party where I received a call that led me to choose to go to the hospital as soon as possible where the situation had worsened quickly. (Stay with me cause I want to share the power of a living God with you)
On the way to the party I stopped for gas. An old friend was at one of the pumps gassing up his motorcycle. We have chemistry but no history and that is enuff info on the matter. We talked, had not seen each other in months, caught up on stuff for a few minutes, he bought my gas, the chemistry was real and I am very lonely in my marriage. I ended up agreeing to go for a motorcycle ride in the near future and we parted ways.
Immediately the struggle began inside of me. I started rationalizing and fighting with myself. Finally I called a friend and confessed the huge fantasy building in my mind. I asked God to help me, parked and went into the hospital.
Over the course of a few hours my friend's wife and I became alarmed by her husband's worsening condition. We went to the cafeteria for a rest and here is where I start tying all of this together.
My self-will the night before was turned to God's purpose because I was positioned for God to do His will for my friends later in the day when my presence best served His purpose.
God was not finished. I would have missed the graduation party had I gone to the hospital in the morning. I got the call at the party where there were a group of Christians who prayed for my friend.
I met my old friend at the gas station causing me to confront a struggle that is intensely challenging for me when it occurs. I made a bad choice. I became confused and faced a life changing decision point. I confessed it and turned it over to God.
At the hospital a dear friend of mine who works there was able to see my friend, find me and his wife in the cafeteria and offer us insight that gave us an entirely new perspective on how to best serve and care for my friends husband. On the nurses floor the nurses immediately agreed and, much to our amazement, my friend, so desperately ill, let go and allowed the nurses to guide him. He even became convicted of what they were telling him. We had prayer and I left to go to a friend's to decompress before going home. I was still struggling with this incident at the gas pumps. I talked to my friend about it and left her house feeling the old nature sparring with my new life in Christ.
I randomly chose a movie from Netflix and it was completely about a woman who felt lonely in her marriage, chose to hang out with this other man and, long story short, the consequences were devastating. My God showed me beyond the shadow of a doubt where I was heading if I continued in my train of thought and I know as good as I know I am sitting on my couch this moment that my Father loved me that much to grace me with a story that brought me back to my senses and away from the temptation.
So, short story long, God redeemed my self-will through out the day, used each moment of the day to build on itself showing His glory in perfect timing, perfect love with a healthy dose of a much needed lesson for me.
We asked God to grant my friend peace, calmness of spirit and the last call I got from his wife she told me the drama and stress had subsided and her husband and my friend was relaxing, letting go and calm. The night nurse had first put her arms around him and told him she loved him and then began the marching orders. WOW!!
There is none like Him. I am not saying God ordained that I make self-willed choices to cause a change in my plans. He had a plan for today and I was in it because He chose for me to be in it. God loved us today, He guided us today, He protected us today, He gathered us together today. He does it all the time. Today it was revealed to me as the day wore on and by this time of the day I am in awe. Tomorrow I may not see the path so clearly. I might not see it at all but that does not mean the path is not evolving or that I am any less on it. I don't know the mind or the ways of God. There is none like Him!
I don't want to go into details because I don't want to draw attention to myself so much as to the unbelievable and humbling grace of my Father who art in Heaven.
It began last night as I made a decision out of my self-will that, in the morning, created another decision of mine to cancel plans I had made to visit someone I love dearly who is sick and in the hospital and to be with his wife. I also had a friend who was going with me who cancelled because of a forgotten prior commitment. Had things gone according to my plans we would have visited in the morning and I would have been home in time to attend a graduation party in the afternoon.
I attended the graduation party where I received a call that led me to choose to go to the hospital as soon as possible where the situation had worsened quickly. (Stay with me cause I want to share the power of a living God with you)
On the way to the party I stopped for gas. An old friend was at one of the pumps gassing up his motorcycle. We have chemistry but no history and that is enuff info on the matter. We talked, had not seen each other in months, caught up on stuff for a few minutes, he bought my gas, the chemistry was real and I am very lonely in my marriage. I ended up agreeing to go for a motorcycle ride in the near future and we parted ways.
Immediately the struggle began inside of me. I started rationalizing and fighting with myself. Finally I called a friend and confessed the huge fantasy building in my mind. I asked God to help me, parked and went into the hospital.
Over the course of a few hours my friend's wife and I became alarmed by her husband's worsening condition. We went to the cafeteria for a rest and here is where I start tying all of this together.
My self-will the night before was turned to God's purpose because I was positioned for God to do His will for my friends later in the day when my presence best served His purpose.
God was not finished. I would have missed the graduation party had I gone to the hospital in the morning. I got the call at the party where there were a group of Christians who prayed for my friend.
I met my old friend at the gas station causing me to confront a struggle that is intensely challenging for me when it occurs. I made a bad choice. I became confused and faced a life changing decision point. I confessed it and turned it over to God.
At the hospital a dear friend of mine who works there was able to see my friend, find me and his wife in the cafeteria and offer us insight that gave us an entirely new perspective on how to best serve and care for my friends husband. On the nurses floor the nurses immediately agreed and, much to our amazement, my friend, so desperately ill, let go and allowed the nurses to guide him. He even became convicted of what they were telling him. We had prayer and I left to go to a friend's to decompress before going home. I was still struggling with this incident at the gas pumps. I talked to my friend about it and left her house feeling the old nature sparring with my new life in Christ.
I randomly chose a movie from Netflix and it was completely about a woman who felt lonely in her marriage, chose to hang out with this other man and, long story short, the consequences were devastating. My God showed me beyond the shadow of a doubt where I was heading if I continued in my train of thought and I know as good as I know I am sitting on my couch this moment that my Father loved me that much to grace me with a story that brought me back to my senses and away from the temptation.
So, short story long, God redeemed my self-will through out the day, used each moment of the day to build on itself showing His glory in perfect timing, perfect love with a healthy dose of a much needed lesson for me.
We asked God to grant my friend peace, calmness of spirit and the last call I got from his wife she told me the drama and stress had subsided and her husband and my friend was relaxing, letting go and calm. The night nurse had first put her arms around him and told him she loved him and then began the marching orders. WOW!!
There is none like Him. I am not saying God ordained that I make self-willed choices to cause a change in my plans. He had a plan for today and I was in it because He chose for me to be in it. God loved us today, He guided us today, He protected us today, He gathered us together today. He does it all the time. Today it was revealed to me as the day wore on and by this time of the day I am in awe. Tomorrow I may not see the path so clearly. I might not see it at all but that does not mean the path is not evolving or that I am any less on it. I don't know the mind or the ways of God. There is none like Him!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)