Being Pathetic Is Boring

Enough of this tomfoolery! It is time to rise up and reclaim myself from the ashes of the most recent crash and burn event in the life of my family. There has been collateral damage this time. I suppose family events rarely remain the property of those in the midst of the fray. For years I have accepted this as a normal response to trouble in the family. It becomes overwhelming when an inordinate share of that trouble seems to come from my side of the family. Unfortunately I have participated in bemoaning, verbally running down and judging my own situations allowing family members the privilege of judging, advising and generally degrading the events in my life that are less than savory and there are many when I include my children and my spouses along with myself. I recently realized that I am sick and tired of the low self-esteem and self-degradation I have decided were rightfully earned. I realized I have participated in creating those for myself. I now realize I don't want to feel that way anymore. I have compared myself to people in my family who appear to have "it together". I have felt less than for too long. A dear friend told me recently that I am good enough just like I am and to be myself and not worry about other people's opinions of me. She gave me a sense of freedom that has taken root and blossomed. I am a good person. I love deeply. My immediate family's life has been difficult through the years. I have enabled and I have done tough love and I have been stupid enough to share every moment of my fears and angers with other family members. This has created a sense of ownership in them that is not healthy for them or for me. Why I just woke up to that I do not know. Now I am working on losing the resentment I feel and to accepting my part in creating an environment that looks and smells an awful lot like superiority and feels an awful lot like humiliation. Today I have come round the bend in recognizing that this has taken place over a long period of time and that my family members do love and care for us deeply. I can see why they are concerned and I can see how I have given permission for that to become the passing of judgement in my mind based on their opinions. I am such a twit. 62 years old and waking up a piece at a time. Not saying that the problems exisiting today in the world of my family are o.k. or that I approve or that I have responded in a psychologically healthy way or that I can even grasp them. Just saying that I don't want to appear pathetic in my own skin anymore. I am who I am and God is changing that at a pace I have to run to keep up with these days. Being pathetic is boring and exhausting and in a way it is yet another form of ego run riot. I love all of my extended family very much. I just don't want to hang my laundry out on them to dry anymore. I don't want to pretend or explain or pretty up who I am and what happens in my life. I kinda think I painted myself with this brush of shame and inadequacy. I compared myself and found myself lacking. I who know so intimately how much my Father God loves me have taken on the form of ugly and unloveable for myself. The truth is the truth. Me and mine are messy people. I am not ashamed of that anymore for some reason that I cannot explain. See, I told you God is changing me even before I catch up to the change. I am truly bored with this pathos. The old saying, "It's not my brother, not my sister but it's me, oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer." about says it all. I will no longer participate in my own degradation and humiliation. That war is over. Praise God!