ADHD...who knew?

Lack of organizational skills,  impulsivity, hyper, cannot focus on one thing for any length of time, low self esteem and sense of hopelessness. These are a few of the traits assigned to ADHD folks. These are traits that define me and so, a wise doctor has named the elephant in the living room, shone the light on the hidden places and diagnosed me as ADHD. None of my friends are shocked. I am, after a few moments of disbelief, relieved. The moment he began describing the hallmark traits of ADHD I knew I had come home to myself. All these years of being a "colorful" person, a distracted, moody, hyper excited woman flinging herself at life choosing time and again to follow paths of misery and confusion. I wondered why I could not finish anything unless there were only hours until the deadline. I know now that my posture of not caring was actually a way of deflecting attention from the fact that I could not finish anything. Oh, I had a more than satisfactory IQ. Mom had us tested in our teens. By the numbers I have the ability to accomplish goals, to experience success, to make good choicess. Instead I jumped  around like a mexican jumping bean leaving hurt people in my trail and developing an acceptance of my lot in life which was to underachieve and flow with the motion I experienced running through my body. A quick glimpse of my journey to this point reveals a constant motion, constant change, constant impulsivity that brought life to my door in bits and pieces. Sanity would loom towards me, recede, madness would visit, recede, little hippy girl...people, places and things changed in a kaleidoscope of motion. I am over dramatizing to make the point that identifying an underlying cause is liberating and ,I believe, a direct gift from God. It is as if I have been running a complex piece of machinery for years without a manual or someone to teach me. At the age of 62 a man watches me running this machinery and asks if I know what the machine is and do I know how to run it. Voila! No, I don't know what it is and I do not know how to run it. Suddenly I knew help had arrived.

At least a week on the medication for ADHD and I am amazed at the initial results. To be clear, the medication does not cause me to be organized or to slow down and take notice or to make any changes. The medication provides me a subtle shift in my psyche and in that shift I am less confused, less impulsive and, most stunning of all, many of my keynote physical disomforts are gone. My chest isn't tight and I have energy. I am also experiencing incredibly difficult days. I am not sure what that is all about other than change is always a double edged sword of pleasure and pain.

I, for one, have been heart broken and lost with the news brought to my home by t.v. Instant notification, on the scene suffering, one catastrophe after the other and I begin to bend under the sorrow of our world gone seemingly mad. In light of the enormity of the groaning of our world my diagnosis of ADHD seems inconsequential. It seems a luxury for people who have more than they can manage in life...food to eat, money for the basics, cars, gas, jobs...no running to refugee camps, it seems a luxury to spend money to think about myself, work on myself, pursue healing for myself while a modern day holocaust rages killing the innocent, watching the light fade from countless eyes as death takes place of life. Yet I have gratitude for the world I live in and the opportunity to make peace with the crazy in me. Another God moment in my life. Peace! Be still!