Absence of Audio

My doggone phone is on the blink. No audio. I can text but I don't hear any sounds of the phone at all. No beeping, no playing tunes, no helpful little melody to let me know I have a message. Nada! Nothing! People calling in saying whatever and I can see the seconds going by as I look at my phone. They don't hear me and I don't hear them.

So the answer is to get another phone or only use this one for texting. What a monumental pain in the tush! I am having withdrawals from that little, ridiculously archaic cell phone! ARRGHH-H-H!

I would march off into the land of "off the grid" but I have been watching t.v. and that "off the grid" stuff is not an easy life. Chopping wood, cooking with propane, out houses for toilets, gardening, raising chickens and no electricity. I am simply not fed with creature comforts on that  level.

Oh, I once I wanted to be a pioneer. When I was younger I wanted to go back to the "good ole days". Having my illusions shattered by watching the folks on educational t.v. felt funky. I do not like anything that interferes with a dream I want to live out. But the fact of the matter is that I have come to love things like that stupid, little cellphone. I like hot and cold running water and I don't want to think about an out house. I am a poser pioneer! That is just plain sad.

Who knew? A sense of embarassment meets up with my sense of relief. We are all living in one conumdrum or the other. This is one of mine. To be or not to be! That is the question, isn't it?

October 30th  A New Dawn

A friend of mine gave me a Nokia Lumina (?) phone that she had dropped in water and thought was done for but placing it in rice and waiting a long time saved the phone. During that time she bought an updated phone and she gave me her dry phone. It is light years ahead of my burnt out flip phone. I have no clue how to use most of the features. I am learning. Like most advances in technology that enter my world I am now spoiled forever for the second cheapest flip phone StraightTalk had to offer. I have a new love. My friend bought the plan, transferred my number and information  from my old phone to my "new phone" declaring that she did not intend to go one more day without having  access to me. That alone should give a clue to this woman's mental health but who am I to judge. She loves me. She is a blessing in my life. She continually offers herself as a friend, a confidante, a rescuer and I offer whatever it is that she thinks I offer. It seems to work. Has now for a number of years.

So now I have a phone with bells and whistles. Not the most recent on  the scene but more than I would have bought for myself. I find that happens to me often. I was given 2 Kindles, my IPAD and now this phone. I did not ask for any of them or even hint strongly. I am not above hinting strongly.

Anyway...it is nearly 3:20 a.m. and I start my first short shift of my job working from home. Why did I choose a 3:20 a.m. shift? Is it because I am mad crazy for that $8.00 an hour? Maybe. The hours add up during the week. The paycheck makes a signifigant difference. No one else from here to Kansas with this company wants to work early hours. When I realize that  I have chosen that hour of the morning to start my day I question my wisdom. I wish taking an early morning shift were the deepest wisdom I had to question.

I wish a little girl, not too far from where I live, did not have pneumonia. She is four and yet her tiny body is crippled with severe scoleosis (sp?) and pneumonia could be the beginning of the end of her life. We prayed for her and her family at church last night. I pray now that she has already begun to heal and that her mom and dad will have more time with her. God knows and we placed it in God's hands but did boldly ask.

May the peace of God be with you!

Jeez Louise

I am typing this on the ipad. It has been much longer than I realized since I wrote. Time has melted  away. That statement is far too mellow considering the events that have filled up the passage of the time.

I will only say that the past few weeks have been mind numbing. At certain times I have been convinced that I was losing my ability to process information. The truth is that I reverted to survival mode living each hour as it played out. The possibility exists that people meeting me for the first time have walked away puzzled by the distracted woman they met. My thoughts have been jumbled and yet clear as a bell which continues to confuse me.

It is after two in the a.m. I don't feel anxious or depressed.  I feel numb. Drifty. And at this point sleepy. Time to allow myself to rest.

Next day and at mom's desktop:

Back at the computer...darn large print will not save so I am just gonna go with this itty-bitty print. And I am going to stop. Time to go back to work. Rats!!

Next day on ipad again:

Visit with shrink today. Questions and answers...back and forth and I came to the realization that my friend John's diagnosis of 3 to 6 months to live is at the center of my angst. The knowledge fades away only to come back to me with a painful realization bringing me to a place I cannot bear. John is dying. John will be gone. John can't go. I want John to stay. Oh, God! John is dying. NO! I cannot allow it. I cannot breathe as the knowledge moves through my spirit, through my heart, through all the memories of time with John and then with John and his precious Ms. Bea.  I am distraught. I hate the inevitability of losing John. I'm not ready. I will never be ready. I suspect I will be willing as John's disease progresses. I suspect I will ask God to take Him. I suspect that time is not far of and I feel as if a vast desert has opened up before me. The horizon ripples with the heat of my sorrow. I know God will lift me up to where He desires me to be in a place of love for John and Bea. I know God is allowing me this time of agony and I know that time is nearly over. John is worth the best I have to offer with God's grace covering every step. For now I can nearly stand the pain.

Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would help, love lifted me!