Jeez Louise

I am typing this on the ipad. It has been much longer than I realized since I wrote. Time has melted  away. That statement is far too mellow considering the events that have filled up the passage of the time.

I will only say that the past few weeks have been mind numbing. At certain times I have been convinced that I was losing my ability to process information. The truth is that I reverted to survival mode living each hour as it played out. The possibility exists that people meeting me for the first time have walked away puzzled by the distracted woman they met. My thoughts have been jumbled and yet clear as a bell which continues to confuse me.

It is after two in the a.m. I don't feel anxious or depressed.  I feel numb. Drifty. And at this point sleepy. Time to allow myself to rest.

Next day and at mom's desktop:

Back at the computer...darn large print will not save so I am just gonna go with this itty-bitty print. And I am going to stop. Time to go back to work. Rats!!

Next day on ipad again:

Visit with shrink today. Questions and answers...back and forth and I came to the realization that my friend John's diagnosis of 3 to 6 months to live is at the center of my angst. The knowledge fades away only to come back to me with a painful realization bringing me to a place I cannot bear. John is dying. John will be gone. John can't go. I want John to stay. Oh, God! John is dying. NO! I cannot allow it. I cannot breathe as the knowledge moves through my spirit, through my heart, through all the memories of time with John and then with John and his precious Ms. Bea.  I am distraught. I hate the inevitability of losing John. I'm not ready. I will never be ready. I suspect I will be willing as John's disease progresses. I suspect I will ask God to take Him. I suspect that time is not far of and I feel as if a vast desert has opened up before me. The horizon ripples with the heat of my sorrow. I know God will lift me up to where He desires me to be in a place of love for John and Bea. I know God is allowing me this time of agony and I know that time is nearly over. John is worth the best I have to offer with God's grace covering every step. For now I can nearly stand the pain.

Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would help, love lifted me!