Penguins For No Reason

Home recovering from surgery, up later than I meant to be, happy penguins seemed to fit the bill. Already the depression associated with the parathyroidism has lifted. The doctor says there will be numerous changes over the next three weeks. Currently I am recovering. Resting. Dealing with an agitated cat who believes he should be outside more than inside but he gave me a scare tonight so inside is his new normal. He is not happy with me. Twice he has put his face up to mine meowing his request. He has walked across this laptop once and he is now ignoring me. His mind is working. I know he loves it outside but tonight when I went out to get him to come in he was asleep on the neighbor's yard, curled up in a tight ball and I thought he was dead and I did not like that feeling at all. He will probably win the battle during the day tomorrow. Or not. I am recovering, resting, reminding myself to recover and rest. This is my one true shot at a genuine improvement in my health. I cannot afford to be cavalier or squander the chance. I do not feel self-destructive or lost now. Wow, I was so sick. Prior to surgery I was not sure I could live if the surgery did not work for some reason. Nevermind that all the literature...all of it...said the surgery worked. It seemed inconceivable that I could be so emotionally depressed and physically exhausted. Then surgery and I am, as far as I can tell, free of the depression. Blessed freedom. I wish it were that simple for my friends, my husband, who suffer day after day with severe, debilitating depression. They are my new heroes. I do not know how they continue day after day with strong medications holding them together, holding off the awful weight of depression so heavy that it defies description. I know now what I did not know before I got sick. I know personally the pain of depression and, yes, it is painful. Not just heavy, not just sad, not just physically debilitating but painful. It is a deep, awful pain and I will pray for anyone I know who experiences it every day of their lives. God uses experiences in life to teach us or to make us sensitive to other people and what they experience. Whatever else I may learn along the way I will always identify with and care for those suffering from depression. I am grateful to God for that learning. As is always the case with me, I had to experience it for myself to soften my heart and open new doors in my walk with Christ.

INTERLUDE, BLESSED INTERLUDE

OH NO! I'M IN A PUBLIC PLACE??

Preferring quiet, secluded places to crowded public places the young girl found herself coming to in a public place with a ghastly, velveteen, purple shirt on, grasping a bland and damp grilled cheese sandwich. The trauma crossed her eyes, trimmed her nose while simultaneously pulling her lips and neck into extreme extensions of themselves. She froze in that wretched position wondering endlessly to herself where she had come from and if she would ever return. The local papers, after exhaustively pondering her sudden and unannounced  appearance, declared that a bizarre statue of the Ronald McDonald variety had appeared without rhyme or reason in the middle of the mall food court. All related editorials were of one opinion. The inexplicable presence of this strange phenomena did not compete in any way with the colorful, far more life-like Ronald Mcdonald seated on the bench outside of the mall court's Mcdonalds. The poor statue appeared terrified. Some swore one of her eyes blinked from time to time.

 

 The girl waited, alarmed yet calm behind the eyes frozen in terror. She believed that whatever force brought her to this alien place would, one day, take her home. Her strongest wish was that her hearing had frozen. The endless repetition of mall music on a continual loop seemed a cruel twist of fate given the enormity of her current circumstances.

Under The Weather And I Ain't Lying

It is yuck time for this ole gal! My body and my brain feel as if they have been violated and left to fend for themselves. Exhaustion is a constant companion and I can't remember with any degree of accuracy. Today bronchitis took up residence.

Several days later...lawdy, lawdy! Antibiotics may not be working. RATS!! My respiratory system sounds like an old car on its' one last leg. My throat hurts a little and feels as if there is something in it clinging on for dear life.

Another day or so...place this word in your voacbulary of medical terminology you need to know but have never heard...hyperparathyroidism or parathyroidism. After you have that word firmly planted remember it has nothing at all to do with the thyroid. The glands sit on either side of ther thyroid. It has absolutely nothing to do with your thyroid. Nothing to do with having taken too much or too little calcium in your life. It just happens to some folk. The precious little glands control the distribution of the calcium in your blood.  It can take years to identify because many of the symptoms fit other categories. A blood test and a scan of the area in your throat where these little buggers reside will seal the deal on whether or not hpt (hyperparathyroidism) is at the root of all evil.

Exhaustion - unbelievable exhaustion
fuzzy thinking - can't find my butt cheeks with both my hands
osteoporisis - probably...i do know my teeth have started breaking off
depression - beyond anything I could think or imagine..just, excuse my french, fucking unbelievable. 
irritability - you would have to ask my husband about that one. poor thing.
lack of sleep - honey, please
kidney stones

the list is longer...just found out tonight that the reason my eyes have been blurring words is another symptom 

Surgery is on the 20th. Im'ma hang on for that surgery. I've seen fire and I've seen rain, y'all but this is not funny and did I tell you this stuff can kill you. Slowly, miserably but dead is dead. I have the urge to write a deeply blue, blues song but I cannot remember the words. I think them and they are gone. Poof! It isn't even like being stoned or having flashbacks. It is the absence of...do you hear me...the absence of whatever use to be where it was before this stuff started. Surgery is highly successful with a return to better than you were before you can remember...course at this point that would be 2 seconds but you catch my drift. 

When I was around 9 years old I lived in Ghana, West Africa and I had dysentery. I almost died from dehydration and high fever. I remember it to this day. I am not running a fever at the moment but I would swear my body is burning up. When I was 9 in Africa is the last time I remember feeling this awful. 

I have not filed my taxes, I have not paid a credit card bill for two months, I have lost track of where most stuff is that I use in the house and I wash clean clothes while leaving the dirty ones on the floor. 

So yeah, I am looking for that surgery like a sniper on high alert. 

O.K. I suppose that is a rant...what I just wrote...but it's the truth if I ever told it. 

10 days. 10 days. With the grace of God and the prayers of the faithful I can make it 10 more days.