Unraveling

The time finally came for me to unravel. Every message in my psyche is geared to surviving, standing strong, enduring  the unendurable. Over the years I have managed to meet that expectation to a greater or lesser degree. There have been times when I sensed myself slipping towards an abyss. There have been times when I pulled myself along inch by inch fighting to meet the expectation programmed into me before I could fully speak.
I did not know I had options, choices or the freedom to change an unyielding legacy. I learned to adapt. I learned to hide behind one mask after the other. I was attracted to people and situations that kept my self-esteem low and my survival skills on high alert.
Years have passed. I have been sober a long time. I have been drug free for a long time. I have allowed myself to seek psychiatric help for a long time. I am not the same woman I was years ago. Yet, I have continued to experience extreme stressors in my life. I believed I was condemned to the burden of an unyielding expectation that I could bear anything no matter the harm done to myself.
This year that belief system has been challenged. My mental health and my faith have caused me to look at my behavior. Friends have pointed out my Achilles' heel of a false belief that I could do all things.
Today the first crack in my armor began when I was at the doctor's. I was exhausted, out of resources, terrified of what would become of me and how I would manage my responsibilities. I could not see my way out.
For those of you who have been in that position you know the fear that comes with loss of control. Complete and utter loss of control. I could not think of who would look after Robert were I to be hospitalized or unable to regain my composure. I was sick with a virus that would not go away and my husband was diagnosed with an incurable neurological illness that had been ever so slowly taking part of him away for over five years now.
I cried and cried. My doctor wisely shot me up with an antibiotic and a steroid and sent me to see my psychologist.
The steroids kicked in, the love of doctor's and my friends, the many prayers pouring my way began to lift me up. I sensed myself regaining a bit of strength, a ton of humility and gratitude beyond measure.
Little did I know that I would soon understand the grace of God in bringing me to my knees at the perfect time. This post will end now and I will begin a new post. A new post that is the beginning of a new reality in my husband's life and in my life. Were it not for unraveling, being humbled, resting and trusting God this new time to come would have broken me. God is good. He is wise. He is love. His mercies endure forever and I will praise His name for eternity.