I Don't Stop For Red Lights Anymore

I got my first ticket in a very long time from a North Carolina Highway patrolman. I pulled a red light and he was the car behind me. I was following the cars that were going through on the green light and I was proud of the turn I made figuring it would impress the highway patrolman. He was impressed but for the wrong reasons. He pulled me and asked if I knew that I pulled a red light. I told him I did not and that I was following the cars that were turning left. He said I should watch the light and not the cars in front of me. I agreed. I was exhausted and full of the concerns about Robert. The ticket was far down the order of importance. I saw it as a wake-up call. I did not try to get out of the ticket. I have a great driving record which he mentioned and I did not think to ask him if he would forego the ticket. My mind and my psyche were completely unalarmed. But, I knew, as the policeman drove away, that I needed to regroup and pay attention in the real world.    


Many routines, responsibilities, appointments and such have gone undone over the past two years. It is a long list. I figure there will be plenty of time to clean up the wreckage later on when things settle down.


The sorrowing grips me taking my breath away at times. Watching
Robert lose himself a piece at a time is  a task for brave people and I am not feeling brave these days. The sorrowing seeps into the fabric of every day. It holds me in a tight embrace blinding my thoughts from daily routines, Nothing seems important compared to this deep sorrow. Anger flares from time to time and I believe I can beat this illness out of Robert. I have flights of fantasy when I forget there is a day coming that will break my heart. Maybe the certainty of the diagnosis and the irrefutable progression of symptoms alarms both of us. We rarely discuss it. This past week's hospitalization and subsequent talk with the hospitalist tore the veil of denial. I have never found a way to bargain with the truth.


So, the truth it is and the truth it shall remain. Sorrow washes over me. Robert is confused and depressed. l am numb. Ain't we a pair?














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