Snippets and Maybe More

As a bonafide insomniac my days are long and it is a good thing because I could never fit all of my day into just one day.

I guess it is safe to say that life is a bit out of whack at the moment. When I cannot remember if I slept at home or at my mom's or if I slept for real or on the couch in brief naps followed by waking moments followed by brief naps there is a disconnect. My today life is scattered out over two counties. I experience a sense of being suspended in mid-air with no way up or down. I ponder the gravity of my situation and immediately avert my eyes from the truth. Truth is a mean spirited bitch at times like these and truth will preserve my sanity. So, is truth schizophrenic? I know I am not and neither am I. (Levity at a time like this, dear ones) 

The sorrow wrapped itself around me as I left the rehab/nursing home this afternoon. On the way to the parking lot I heard a bird calling out in a loud sing-song warble. I stopped to find the bird in the adjacent trees. It called out again. I could not see him through the thick foliage. The moment I said, "Well, I can't spot him!" (said to myself, that is) he swooped from one tree to the tree beside me. Much larger than I expected and silent now he seemed to have flown close to me just because he could and I liked him for that; I surely did like him for that.

One hundred years later...or two days, but who's counting.

We had the exit interview at the rehab/nursing home. October 20th is the come home date. Mixed feelings. Mine. Not his. Nursing homes have given me a new appreciation for the life I have outside them. The child in me is intimidated by all the suffering. The adult in me is in wonder at the graciousness of many of the people who are there long term.

I gasp as a pang of sorrow tears through me. If the doctor's are accurate there is not much time left of the option to come home. Well, I assume the option is always available. The hellish part is making the decision when it is an option and the person you love is the  person for whom you must decide that option. 

A few days later....it is early in the a.m. and I am not in bed yet. I am on the bed and I have done all but get in it. There is so much happening each day. I forget that I am 65 and I, accustomed to the constant changes as a child, young adult...o.k....constant changes since birth, find this change challenging beyond what I can think or imagine. I want to freeze time until I can catch up with it. Pipe dreams, magical thinking, the imaginings of a woman who craves for a simple answer to an equation which totaled up bears grim news. I cannot get the look on my husband's face to fade. I crave solace. I crave a long, deep hug and a lap to place my head on. Star light, star bright, first star I've seen tonight.....