A World Full Of Dangers

A World Full of Dangers

My cats surge around me as I walk.  I turn to step towards the refrigerator. Oops! YEOW! Move your dadgum tail you piece of feline destruction. It was you or me!

Glorified Plastic Shoes, known as Crocs, conspire to send me into a head first vault down the damp wooden ramp at the front of the trailer. Who knew the smooth sole of a Croc would need little encouragement to skid me into a short but fierce burst of life and death defying contortions in a frantic effort to maintain my upright position. 

Crocs again...when they catch on a tiled floor in a store and they stop with my feet in them but I don't stop because who knew it was going to be that particular step? Refer to slipping on the porch for a description of contortions, upright position, etc.

 Tiny food items that manage to go down my windpipe when I swallow while laughing or inhaling from a laugh. They cling tight to my lungs with the tenacity of tiny little crabs. I cough and cough, drink water, cough some more, clear my throat. ACK! ACK! Sorry! Sorry! What? No I'll live. Thank you! 

That sorry excuse for a tub they put in mobile homes. Step up and into the tub. Warning! Warning! The "classy" plastic tub, wet with water and soap, morphs into the equivalent of a snow covered, icy advanced ski slope  Each encounter is fraught with peril. In addition, the recessed step is rounded at the edge and at least two inches short of allowing feet to stay put on it. I avoid the step in favor of a large step from the bath mat, over the step, over the side of the tub and onto the mat inside the tub. There are hazards in that approach but none so blatantly designed to bring on death as the dreaded tub step. 

Last, and far from least, grabbing up a cat who is outdoors and looks kinda like my cat and holding it by the skin behind its neck and tight against my chest while it makes inhuman noises as I tell it who the boss is while my husband stands at the door saying repeatedly, "That is not our cat!" only I don't hear him because I am yelling for him to "OPEN THE DOOR FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS &^%$ WORLD". When I get to the door, he repeats himself as he opens the door. My cats go native and lunge towards me just as I realize my husband was yelling, "That's not our cat!" I let go! Stray cat flies away, home cats stand down and husband says I'm crazy and I'm like, "You say that like it's a bad thing!"

Who knew?