Left to wonder...

I wonder what our marriages would look like if we would just stop. Stop wanting for ourselves. Stop listening for the habits that anger us so quickly. If we would listen and listen more. If we would hold and caress without thought of a result. I wonder what my our marriages would look like if we would just stop.

I wonder how an average and ordinary day can be transformed into a miraculous, lightness of being day simply because a ten year old child is glad to see me. 

I wonder at the survival skills of the huge, fluffy cat that has taken up residence on our porch. The skills that demand food and demand attention to his needs do not surprise. His demand to be loved. His demand to be petted before he eats and his return to rub against my leg as if he is saying a thank you take me off guard. So I made an awkward attempt to provide him shelter with a plastic container and blankets from the house. He lies there stretched out or with his body curled in a tight ball deep in sleep. I wonder that he is possessive. He dares to be possessive. Without one ounce of shame he follows me around uttering a plaintive meow for food or for a decent belly rub. He intimidates my cats. My cats are of no matter to him. I wonder how this creature knows and demands what so many of us fear to admit we crave. 

I wonder how the birth of a child pulls love from me in such a wild abandonment that I feel my heart leaving me forever to belong to someone else and yet, when I birth another child that same love rushes to meet him and is no less diminished by the first?

I wonder if trees are communal and thrive better when close to other trees. I wonder if there are rogue trees that vie for the attentions of passersby. 

In my more outlandish moments I think of being where I am at any given moment and of my memories of other times and other places. Then I wonder if those places and those times exist without me in them. Does the world we cannot see or hear exist at all or does it create itself as we move into it then close back into itself as we department.