Losing what I thought I had that I had already lost and then lost again

Long term relationships are complex to me. I do not have the ability to know if someone exceptionally close to me is being real or shining me on. I have learned, more times than once, that my heart and my common sense do not talk to each other. My gut feeling makes a valiant effort to negotiate with me. I hear it but, more often than not, I tune it out. There is comfort for me in the belief that the surface of someone I care for reflects the depths of that person. Years of chasing that comfort have proven me wrong. Time after time my self-imposed ignorance coupled with my voiceless common sense have left me in situations that hurt and shocked me. I participate with my own self in a  conspiracy to hide the truth from me. What I say cannot possibly be true proves to be the only truth. I feel like the jester in a king's court. Silly girl! Stop priding yourself on knowing because you don't and stop trying to possess what wasn't yours in the first place.  I hate the wounded feeling I carry with me everywhere I go once I know that I know that my dreams of reality were just that, dreams. Ever the hopeful child, armed with denial as my sword, I fall prey to illusions.