Christmas has come and gone. It was very different for me this year as I did not have the money to buy gifts for more than one person. As much as it is in my control, I plan to make that different for next year. It really isn't the idea of not giving a gift. It is the idea that I do enjoy that part of Christmas. Still, I finally found my Christmas spirit, the family had a brunch together and everyone was on their best behavior.
Fairly dull description of Christmas I guess. I think staying out of the stores, not going out to eat, not spending money that I don't have and having a small world made Christmas different. Not bad. Different. I have been marginally emotionally numb for awhile now. I can call it that or I can call it denial of depression deeper than I believed or I can call it life on it's own terms. No matter the name I can say as a fact that I struggled in the past month or so with a dull spot in my heart and in my head. It grew to become a large and exceptionally sensitive place in my head and in my heart. I returned to old behavior. Have worn a chip on my shoulder along with an inability to cope with life on its own terms. God graced me a number of times during this period of time. He graced me in ways that encouraged me and in small ways were filled with tenderness.
As a result I have come out the other side of the most recent funk. I am enjoying balance and a sense of peace that is unexplainable, surreal, holy - a gift. A Christmas gift from my Father perfectly made just for me. Perfect timing. Perfect gift. A daily repreive from myself sets me free indeed.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
GEE WHIZ!
This is weird. I am doing the blog on my ipad while following work on the desktop. I keep looking up at the desktop to see if what I am typing here is showing up. My mind may be a strange and wondrous place but apparently it does not like this action.
It is 73 degrees here. Cloudy with a breeze creating the illusion of colder weather. Christmas is a few days away. I am the least prepared I have been in many years. Well, that is a statement tied into my financial situation. Christmas spirit is cool. I don't decorate as a rule. Always did when the kids were home and enjoyed it. This year we have, through some weakness in my character, three cats. A tree is not part of my plan to entertain them. Maybe I should decorate the cats?? Dial 911!
The baby still has his manhood. He struts and plays with an intensity that is a wonder to see. Folding laundry is different these days. This kitten believes each shirt, towel, sock, etc. is his ticket to rumble and he is FAST! That little ball of fire with the awesome eyes and lovely coloring is also capable of stinking us out of the house. He gives "silent but deadly" an entirely new meaning! It is close to atomic cat war.
Winter is one of my favorite times of the year. I curl up in a warm blanket on the sofa and veg. Winter requires very little of me. For many years I was a sun baby. I sunbathed on the beach without benefit of towel. I loved the warm sand against my body. I was deeply tan each year. Years passed. My body no longer tolerates the heat well. I have no idea why. I am reminded of a good marriage that quietly and slowly loses vitality until there is no comfort or warmth to be found. Now I gaze up at the night sky shivering slightly from the chilled breezes and I am happy. I am a night person. The darkness comforts me. The moon and stars hypnotize me. God is real. His heavens are majestic. I am humbled. My soul magnifies The Lord.
It is 73 degrees here. Cloudy with a breeze creating the illusion of colder weather. Christmas is a few days away. I am the least prepared I have been in many years. Well, that is a statement tied into my financial situation. Christmas spirit is cool. I don't decorate as a rule. Always did when the kids were home and enjoyed it. This year we have, through some weakness in my character, three cats. A tree is not part of my plan to entertain them. Maybe I should decorate the cats?? Dial 911!
The baby still has his manhood. He struts and plays with an intensity that is a wonder to see. Folding laundry is different these days. This kitten believes each shirt, towel, sock, etc. is his ticket to rumble and he is FAST! That little ball of fire with the awesome eyes and lovely coloring is also capable of stinking us out of the house. He gives "silent but deadly" an entirely new meaning! It is close to atomic cat war.
Winter is one of my favorite times of the year. I curl up in a warm blanket on the sofa and veg. Winter requires very little of me. For many years I was a sun baby. I sunbathed on the beach without benefit of towel. I loved the warm sand against my body. I was deeply tan each year. Years passed. My body no longer tolerates the heat well. I have no idea why. I am reminded of a good marriage that quietly and slowly loses vitality until there is no comfort or warmth to be found. Now I gaze up at the night sky shivering slightly from the chilled breezes and I am happy. I am a night person. The darkness comforts me. The moon and stars hypnotize me. God is real. His heavens are majestic. I am humbled. My soul magnifies The Lord.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Not a strange day!
Today was not a strange day which makes today a rare day indeed. I planned to clean house. Well, I planned to begin the huge, overwhelming job of trying to put things in order. Yeah, very funny, I know! But, first, breakfast with a favorite friend and then a little time watching the tube with my husband and then I said to myself, "Self, start in your room and work towards the front of this funky place."
I sat down at my desk, pulled a drawer open and changed both focus and intent. The desk drawer is a micro level thing to put in order. So I started with my desk drawer. Yep, the freaking place is a mess and I start and basically end with a desk drawer. I tell a lie. I did not end. I stopped. The arguable pleasure of putting things back into the drawer has yet to be completed. Battery chargers, jewelry, various electronic cords, prayer beads, measuring tape, fancy paper clips, cd's, a bar of dove soap, at least 8 spools of thread, mirror mounting squares, change and a bottle of It Stays for helping my old lady hose stay up when I wear them. Plus, a significant amount of throw away papers, and a number of unidentifiable, small hook looking thingies from Body Glove. So now my room is trashed. Honestly trashed. The bathroom is waiting for me. One small step for...!
I have to sleep. Good Night!
I sat down at my desk, pulled a drawer open and changed both focus and intent. The desk drawer is a micro level thing to put in order. So I started with my desk drawer. Yep, the freaking place is a mess and I start and basically end with a desk drawer. I tell a lie. I did not end. I stopped. The arguable pleasure of putting things back into the drawer has yet to be completed. Battery chargers, jewelry, various electronic cords, prayer beads, measuring tape, fancy paper clips, cd's, a bar of dove soap, at least 8 spools of thread, mirror mounting squares, change and a bottle of It Stays for helping my old lady hose stay up when I wear them. Plus, a significant amount of throw away papers, and a number of unidentifiable, small hook looking thingies from Body Glove. So now my room is trashed. Honestly trashed. The bathroom is waiting for me. One small step for...!
I have to sleep. Good Night!
Friday, December 13, 2013
Vignettes Of The Day
5:37 am working an early shift. Making a cup of tea. I notice a tiny ant climbing up the refrigerator door. I reach to end his life acting on impulse as if responding to a long held tradition. I pulled my hand back. It was just one ant traveling alone up the side of the door. Who am I to choose the fate of his journey? He has chosen an arduous journey. I turn my attention to the tea I am making. When I look back the tiny ant is gone. I hoped to send him a thought of Bon Voyage. The stark whiteness of the refrigerator could not hide him. He was gone. Maybe he lost purchase and fell to the floor or maybe he was there for a moment to provide me with the opportunity to honor life. Who's to say?
THURSDAY? REALLY?
I cannot believe it is almost Christmas. I didn't even know it was Thursday. But, a look at the calendar confirms it is Thursday. Officially it is Friday. DANG!! Slow down just a little bit, please!
Robert and I went to the doctor in New Bern today. He prescribes meds for depression. He was shocked at how quickly Robert's condition has progressed. I say condition because we have yet to have a diagnosis. In the past two days we have been heartened by the response of the medical people we have seen. It is clear they recognize the severity of the situation and that they truly care. Though nothing has changed physically the response of the medical professionals has encouraged us. We both needed to be heard and validated. It was a difficult trip. Robert is not walking well at all so I help him in and out of the car and then help him make it to our destination. It is taxing for him and exhausting for me. When someone says to most of us that things can and probably will change in ways we cannot think or imagine they are telling the truth. I have no previous experience in this level of caretaking and Robert certainly has not been limited physically and mentally to the degree this "whatever" has taken him.
Home health care is going to come out and help us find ways to make the house more user friendly for someone like Robert. This means that I have major cleaning to do before they make a visit. Fortunately that has not been set-up yet. I don't' feel grown-up enough to handle all of this but when I look around I realize that many people are handling stuff like this and I'm betting they don't feel so grown-up at times. Because I am 62 years of age I am more aware now of debilitating illnessess and the fullness of caretaking.
Guess who is in my bedroom staying warm from the cold night? Yep, the outside cat. Tigger! Beautiful orange and golden cat with eyes that look like jewels matching the coat he wears so well. It isn't my plan to make this cat and inside cat. We don't need four cats inside. Lawdy, lawdy! I am a soft touch.
Gotta get to bed. Night, Y'all!
Robert and I went to the doctor in New Bern today. He prescribes meds for depression. He was shocked at how quickly Robert's condition has progressed. I say condition because we have yet to have a diagnosis. In the past two days we have been heartened by the response of the medical people we have seen. It is clear they recognize the severity of the situation and that they truly care. Though nothing has changed physically the response of the medical professionals has encouraged us. We both needed to be heard and validated. It was a difficult trip. Robert is not walking well at all so I help him in and out of the car and then help him make it to our destination. It is taxing for him and exhausting for me. When someone says to most of us that things can and probably will change in ways we cannot think or imagine they are telling the truth. I have no previous experience in this level of caretaking and Robert certainly has not been limited physically and mentally to the degree this "whatever" has taken him.
Home health care is going to come out and help us find ways to make the house more user friendly for someone like Robert. This means that I have major cleaning to do before they make a visit. Fortunately that has not been set-up yet. I don't' feel grown-up enough to handle all of this but when I look around I realize that many people are handling stuff like this and I'm betting they don't feel so grown-up at times. Because I am 62 years of age I am more aware now of debilitating illnessess and the fullness of caretaking.
Guess who is in my bedroom staying warm from the cold night? Yep, the outside cat. Tigger! Beautiful orange and golden cat with eyes that look like jewels matching the coat he wears so well. It isn't my plan to make this cat and inside cat. We don't need four cats inside. Lawdy, lawdy! I am a soft touch.
Gotta get to bed. Night, Y'all!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A Day In The Life Of...
Started my morning at 6. Needed to be at work by 7. My husband is having major health issues, can't walk for much time at all, cannot think clearly most of the time, symptoms are increasingly intense so I help him walk, get his food, etc. Normally he is still in bed when I leave early in the a.m. but today he was awake and trying to do for himself and nearly falling. It is sad. It is frustrating. It is challenging. It is scary. So I got him to the sofa, gave him his medications, fixed him coffee and made his breakfast, fed the inside cats, fed the outside cat, cleaned the litter box, grabbed some clothes to put on later at mom's while I was working, grabbed the box with my meds and stuff and headed out the door sliding into my chair at the computer just in time to start work at 7. God was with me. Everything went in order. The neighbors are, by now, use to seeing me scuttle through the park in my pajamas clutching a box, pants, shirt and pocketbook. Today I never got out of the clothes I wore to mom's. So I have a clean outfit for tomorrow. I start work at 3:30 a.m. Had to change my hours around because I am taking Robert to the doctor's and begin the process of getting something done to help this man. I could use your prayers, please.
So...I have never been this way before. It is a path unknown to me. I am learning by doing which means Robert gets handled in some interesting ways. He is losing the ability to help himself help me. Today he fell in the kitchen and was on the floor when I got home. I had to wait until my son was at his house to have someone to help lift Robert so I got him a pillow and a blanket for comfort. When Jonathan got here we started to help Robert get up and I, not thinking, pulled the pillow out from under Robert's head and it fell back and hit the fridge. I forgot he could not manage to hold his head up. Ouch!
The job is quickly becoming above and beyond my ability to handle it. Believe it or not this started about three years ago when Robert began to complain that his legs felt weak while he was fishing on the pier. It has been a slow degenration from that point to this point. Robert being Robert he did not seek medical care until it became obvious that there was no other choice to make. At this point I am not sure how I am going to get him in the car and to the doctor's office tomorrow. Thank goodness for the many prayers being said on our behalf.
On another topic entirely...have not seen Mr. Owl in a long time now. They are industrializing the area behind our park more and more. He may have left in a huff looking, literally, for greener pastures.
The cats are prowling back and forth. How do they know I have tuna in a can? They cannot possibly smell it. There are times when I think cats are mind-readers or they are arrogant enough to believe that it is perfectly natural for me to buy tuna in a can for their treat meat. Probably sent me subliminal thoughts before I left for the store. Harumph! I am so busted with these animals.
Robert is in bed comfortably now, the cats are catting around and I am getting my stuff and heading to my mom's to catch a few z's before 3:30 a.m.
Has anyone noticed that time seems to be flying; the days speeding in a blur of events? Moments filled to the brim with life happening as I head rapidly for my 30th year of sobriety and my millionth year of life on this earth. Really? Has it only been a million years? O.K. my "the earth is not a million years old "friends. Figuratively speaking, o.k.?
So...I have never been this way before. It is a path unknown to me. I am learning by doing which means Robert gets handled in some interesting ways. He is losing the ability to help himself help me. Today he fell in the kitchen and was on the floor when I got home. I had to wait until my son was at his house to have someone to help lift Robert so I got him a pillow and a blanket for comfort. When Jonathan got here we started to help Robert get up and I, not thinking, pulled the pillow out from under Robert's head and it fell back and hit the fridge. I forgot he could not manage to hold his head up. Ouch!
The job is quickly becoming above and beyond my ability to handle it. Believe it or not this started about three years ago when Robert began to complain that his legs felt weak while he was fishing on the pier. It has been a slow degenration from that point to this point. Robert being Robert he did not seek medical care until it became obvious that there was no other choice to make. At this point I am not sure how I am going to get him in the car and to the doctor's office tomorrow. Thank goodness for the many prayers being said on our behalf.
On another topic entirely...have not seen Mr. Owl in a long time now. They are industrializing the area behind our park more and more. He may have left in a huff looking, literally, for greener pastures.
The cats are prowling back and forth. How do they know I have tuna in a can? They cannot possibly smell it. There are times when I think cats are mind-readers or they are arrogant enough to believe that it is perfectly natural for me to buy tuna in a can for their treat meat. Probably sent me subliminal thoughts before I left for the store. Harumph! I am so busted with these animals.
Robert is in bed comfortably now, the cats are catting around and I am getting my stuff and heading to my mom's to catch a few z's before 3:30 a.m.
Has anyone noticed that time seems to be flying; the days speeding in a blur of events? Moments filled to the brim with life happening as I head rapidly for my 30th year of sobriety and my millionth year of life on this earth. Really? Has it only been a million years? O.K. my "the earth is not a million years old "friends. Figuratively speaking, o.k.?
Trudging The Happy Road of Destiny One Step At A Time! Welcome To My Place!
I decided to start tonight rather than wait for tomorrow. Just a bit of writing to shake the dust off the old blog page and breathe a bit of life back into it. If you click on the Grateful Dead and listen and want to hear more just stay on the page. Apparently I copied a grouping of their music or the album or something...anyhow...you can rock out if you have a mind to rock!
"When you said there was a possum playing
dead in our yard I assumed...."
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