Christmas has come and gone. It was very different for me this year as I did not have the money to buy gifts for more than one person. As much as it is in my control, I plan to make that different for next year. It really isn't the idea of not giving a gift. It is the idea that I do enjoy that part of Christmas. Still, I finally found my Christmas spirit, the family had a brunch together and everyone was on their best behavior.
Fairly dull description of Christmas I guess. I think staying out of the stores, not going out to eat, not spending money that I don't have and having a small world made Christmas different. Not bad. Different. I have been marginally emotionally numb for awhile now. I can call it that or I can call it denial of depression deeper than I believed or I can call it life on it's own terms. No matter the name I can say as a fact that I struggled in the past month or so with a dull spot in my heart and in my head. It grew to become a large and exceptionally sensitive place in my head and in my heart. I returned to old behavior. Have worn a chip on my shoulder along with an inability to cope with life on its own terms. God graced me a number of times during this period of time. He graced me in ways that encouraged me and in small ways were filled with tenderness.
As a result I have come out the other side of the most recent funk. I am enjoying balance and a sense of peace that is unexplainable, surreal, holy - a gift. A Christmas gift from my Father perfectly made just for me. Perfect timing. Perfect gift. A daily repreive from myself sets me free indeed.
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