Wondering

I cannot help but wonder what possessed me to blow at least 13 years of my life on drugs, alcohol and any number of choices that stemmed from those habits. I don't stare at this line of questioning for long periods of time. Insanity lies at the heart of tearing apart the past to explain the future. Reaping the benefits of a life packed with extreme stress and mastering the art of being invisible is tough to accept. I wonder if anyone saw me and thought of interceding. There is the better than good chance that I would have run like a scalded dog. The "aha" moments in life follow suffering at one's own hands.Maybe it took every step of my journey to be who I am today. Indulging in believing I might have chosen another path had someone shouted out to warn me of the road ahead is deep  indulgence indeed. As I remember those days I remember that I was invested in the life I chose at the time. I also remember that I saw only the moment, felt only the consequence's of that moment, saw no tomorrow and had no plans past the here and now. Looking back I am amazed at the darkness I walked in, the tumbling, changing, ever evolving scenes of my life. Was innocence part of the equation? More than likely it was the scars of what I do not discuss here. More than likely I was numb yet brilliant in my masterful disguises. I believe there were a few people who caught a glimpse of me and, after some thought, turned away. I had an answer for everything. Through the morass of depression, despair, confusion and utter lonliness I stepped out in public as a woman without a care. Recently I found out that the world has not changed. Most folks don't see and, if they catch a glimpse, they find fault with me for having shown myself. I am not a victim. There are many people like me hiding in the shadows of what is not spoken. My anger and need to hurt myself through self-destructive choices have gone. But I wonder if someone had seen me way back in the day if I would have lent a ear.