I want to be a poet or a laureate or a poet laureate.
I want to be an acclaimed singer posing as a man like I saw Lily Tomlin do one time long ago.
I want to make a difference in the lives of those who have no others to make a difference in their lives.
I want to lose weight and be tall and thin with my hair long and braided down my back.
I want to own property and rescue dogs and hire people who were rescued to love the dogs back to health while the dogs love them back to health.
I want to teach Miss Nibbles, the parrot who loves me, to say "I love you".
I want to take a boat ride far enough out to sea at night that I cannot see the lights of land and blackness crowds round until the stars fill the sky above and the flecks of surf flowing along the top of the water catch the reflection of the stars and twinkle.
I want to draw a deep breath full of the smell of heather and grasses and fresh turned earth. I want the rain to fall afterwards as I stand with my face turned up to catch the drops.
I want to love a child who has forgotten how to be loved.
I want to die tonight and I want to live forever and I want to laugh and hurt and find myself falling onto the ground and rolling over and over in the throes of an ecstasy both frightening and glorious all at once.
I want to plead with the wounded souls who bring terror into the darkness of the night to put down their weapons and to stand still for moments and moments until they feel themselves breathing and they know the wonder of that breath and the joy of that breath so that they would never choose to take it from another soul.
I want to serve and love and serve and love in the service of Christ the Lord until there is nothing left of me but the bondage of my surrender in His service and all that I can do is cry out with joy, cry out with this fearsome peace that passes all understanding and cry out with this love that will not let me go.
I want to show someone who has never dreamed it possible that they are loved by the creator of the universe, by the alpha and omega and they are loved by the creator with such a jealous love that they cannot escape that love nor wish to be in the presence of another god forever and ever.
I want to sit perfectly still. Close my eyes. Be silent and listen to the sounds of my home. The sound of warm air flowing into my room from the heater down the hall. The sounds of my cats breathing deeply in their sleep. The sound of the clock ticking. And finally, the sound of myself drawing in the breath of life right here in my home among all the things I love. I, yes, even I can draw in the breath of life.
I want to stop now. I am finished.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Today
Today I took my husband to the doctor. Today I went to the grocery store. Today I went to the pharmacy. Today I learned of illness and misfortune in the lives of a fair sampling of the people I know and trust. Today my dear friend knows her brother in Washington state is dying. Today my friend's brother may well die. Today I formed an opinion about life and forgot that opinion along with a number of other excursions down the rabbit hole. Today I made an effort to refrain from analyzing myself. Today I judged a number of people. Today I wanted to get high. Today I turned to another radio channel to wipe away the thought of "I want to get high." Today I experienced vulnerability. Today I sought and I found, I called out and I received an answer. Today I made the daily commitment to follow Christ. Today I read scripture. Today I made the daily commitment to stay sober. Today I made a conscious decision to love my husband unconditionally. Today I chose to let God love me unconditionally. Today I chose not to fear. Today I stood at the edge of the gaping maw of the abyss. Today I walked away from the abyss. Today I sang beautifully for several seconds in a row.
Today I chose to live in such a manner that I could be reasonably sure to wake up at peace tomorrow.
Friday, November 11, 2016
Waxing and Waning
Waxing and waning are two words that when said together cause me to fight a compulsion to quote lines from Monty Python and The Search for The Holy Grail or Elmer Fudd.
This is at least 6 times I have begun a post. I attempted a philosophical post. Silly me! I attempted a casual post. Boring! I attempted a stream of consciousness post. The stream ain't streaming. I stopped attempting. Gonna do it this time. For me. I cannot let my mojo walk off and find another home. And, I will confess, I have been trying to write with the people who may be reading this post in mind...a little. Not my original intent and I think it has blocked me because I am a natural born people pleaser. I am going to make an honest attempt to return to my original intent. The reality is that writing, like acting, is only one hnaad clapping without an audience. It appears that a small group of folks stop by and I like that and I need it. Ouch! I hate that admission. My job is to write free of knowing you are there and being happy you are there, see?
I need to get back to a character I birthed a few posts back. I think I titled it, "She Is Me". I could have titled it, "I Am It" , but there is a book, true story, about a man who grew up as "It". It is a disturbing and awful story of abuse. Why did I read it? At one time I was looking for an understanding and a validtaion related to personal issues. I do not read books in that genre now. And, I got over reading self-help books, diet books, extreme motivation books..well you get the idea. I read the Bible now and from an entirely different perspective because of the way the Bible is taught in my church family. My reading choices are ecletic. My music tastes are ecletic. I could make the title " She is Ecletic " but the character is not ecletic. Not by a long shot. It may be that my ecletic persona stymies my creativity. There would be truth in my opinion that ADHD, be it ever so humble, robs me of narrowing down my scatter-pattern. But, that's cool. It takes all kinds.
Would ya look at that clock? Time to begin the process of a gallant effort, on my part, to go to bed before daylight is beginning to appear through the blinds. Two nights in a row I slept four to six hours. Darn! Two times are not enough to establish a pattern or indicate a trend. Talk amongst yourselves.
Sweet dreams all y'all!
x
This is at least 6 times I have begun a post. I attempted a philosophical post. Silly me! I attempted a casual post. Boring! I attempted a stream of consciousness post. The stream ain't streaming. I stopped attempting. Gonna do it this time. For me. I cannot let my mojo walk off and find another home. And, I will confess, I have been trying to write with the people who may be reading this post in mind...a little. Not my original intent and I think it has blocked me because I am a natural born people pleaser. I am going to make an honest attempt to return to my original intent. The reality is that writing, like acting, is only one hnaad clapping without an audience. It appears that a small group of folks stop by and I like that and I need it. Ouch! I hate that admission. My job is to write free of knowing you are there and being happy you are there, see?
I need to get back to a character I birthed a few posts back. I think I titled it, "She Is Me". I could have titled it, "I Am It" , but there is a book, true story, about a man who grew up as "It". It is a disturbing and awful story of abuse. Why did I read it? At one time I was looking for an understanding and a validtaion related to personal issues. I do not read books in that genre now. And, I got over reading self-help books, diet books, extreme motivation books..well you get the idea. I read the Bible now and from an entirely different perspective because of the way the Bible is taught in my church family. My reading choices are ecletic. My music tastes are ecletic. I could make the title " She is Ecletic " but the character is not ecletic. Not by a long shot. It may be that my ecletic persona stymies my creativity. There would be truth in my opinion that ADHD, be it ever so humble, robs me of narrowing down my scatter-pattern. But, that's cool. It takes all kinds.
Would ya look at that clock? Time to begin the process of a gallant effort, on my part, to go to bed before daylight is beginning to appear through the blinds. Two nights in a row I slept four to six hours. Darn! Two times are not enough to establish a pattern or indicate a trend. Talk amongst yourselves.
Sweet dreams all y'all!
x
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