The Night

The night has ceased to be a time of closure for me. Day and night cycle through the 24 hours meant to hold them and I recognize the passing but take little notice. Every thing I read says this one thing will be the death of me. It was going to be cigarettes. It was going to be drugs and alcohol and then a violent husband and now maybe my weight or the food I eat or the stresses of life. Lord knows, as far as I can tell I have been living with the threat of death over my head for years now yet here I sit writing this blog. I am intelligent enough to know that not sleeping in any defined, normal way does affect me. I just wonder, after all these years and miles and miles of living if it is going to be the end of me. I am weary of thinking about it and pondering the idea of why I don't sleep at night. I think I want to just accept it for now. I think I am in the mood to just let me be me and accept the consequences. It is about all I can do right at this moment. The nights when I do get good sleep make the point for sleeping well. But, for now, I am what I am and I know, from long experience with myself, that this too shall pass. I am 65 years old. I suppose if I die tomorrow it could be said that I died an early death. How do you figure out that kind of statement? Death does seem to have a great deal of leeway. I am overweight and I don't sleep well and there is a crap load of stress in my life. All of that is true. But I am well loved and God fills my spirit with joy and I love deeply. I love people and the sound of their voices and their stories about themselves. I love animals and I love being allowed the honor of being the care giver for my husband and I love life but I am not married to the idea of it. Does that sound weird? I don't think so or at least not for myself. I don't think it sounds weird at all. I am not suicidal. I want for people I love to find their way to loving and being loved. I got sober and clean 33 years ago and there has been very little time that I have actually been physically healthy. Is that the ruler by which I measure myself? I was not particularly healthy as a child. I had malaria in Africa and bacillary dysentery and I believe my immune system was compromised but I can't prove it and I can't see as it really matters at this point. I haven't smoked in forever. I don't drink or do drugs. I know there are so many choices I could be making that would be so much better for me and my health. The energy and the drive to make those choices does not exist in me right now and I am just going to accept that about myself for now. Lord knows, life changes on a dime. I am open to change but I do not plan to go chasing it down the street to catch up with it. And I know ya gotta be wondering what on earth has gotten into me and that this is proof that staying up at night is a problem. But I don't think it is proof of that at all. I think I just need to speak my truth and for some ridiculous compulsion choose to share it as if folks have nothing else to do but read my stuff. But maybe my stuff and my sharing it will resonate with someone and that matters. So, I don't know how much time I have on this earth and neither do any one of you. I do know this though, if any of you are left standing when I go, please make sure they play "Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay" at my service. I do love me some Otis Redding.