Not Today

Not today, I thought, not today! I thought of several things at once and none of them fit. My thinking challenges me with thoughts and actions I could take, maybe even should take, but the next thought is "Not today!" 

I have a good brain." Lots of potential", is what I have been told most of my life. You could have been this or that if you had chosen. Having lots of potential mentioned to me with silence following afterwards seems designed to draw me into a state of morbid thinking. Thinking of myself as a failure because I was born but predictably (heavy sigh) forfeited the golden ring of reaching my potential. Worse yet the silence lingering in the air leaves an undefined goal and I have missed it. What "it" is eludes me. The fact that it eludes me does not free me from a vague guilt and a hint of shame that I have somehow failed. Worse yet, the silence leaves a gaping maw of unspoken potentials, undefined yet seemingly important. 

What am I to do at that point? Shrug my shoulders in the face of potential lost? Should I convey a sense of disappointment in my own self? I could do that well with one eye on the accusers and one eye winking at the absurdity of the false pretense posture I assume.

My life is fraught with monumental mistakes in judgement. I admit it is as obvious as a wart on the end of my nose that I squandered my potential. The problem is that I do not grasp what was expected of me. Clearly it was unvoiced. What a delicious set-up! We will have a baby girl filled with potential. We agree never to mention what that means or even hint at it until that baby girl fails a few times. At some point we will approach her with disappointment in our voices as we tell her she had so much potential, but she failed to use it. Then as she forms a response of protest, we will assume the posture of resignation as we nod our heads and make little "Hmm" sounds dismissing her with impunity.

When I put it that way I see "them" as wicked little creatures bent on destroying me. Even that assumption puzzles me. I have questions. No one has answers. Evil arrives in quiet moments. Evil is a genius shape shifter. Puzzled and without a clue how to repent of the sin of not living up to my potential I hesitate. In that moment of hesitation, I see myself struggling under the burden of potential, but I don't care.

There I have said it! I don't care if I ever reach my potential. Better yet, if I should reach it, let me know. I can't imagine I will recognize it. Shocking! I am the girl who looked at her potential and shot it the bird! 

My peace has returned. My happiness flows out of me to others on this journey! When I see Jesus I am going to ask Him to explain "potential" to me.