Childlike

 I am 70 years old. Yet, when I think of myself I envision a young person. Not a teen-ager. A young person who is timid and tries to hide behind things so as not to be seen. I am protective of that child. I avoid encouraging her to come forward and participate with life. She is timid from the ground up. I am, as an adult, tethered to her. I am unable to go on without her. 

(This is how my ptsd works) I left my bedroom door open and a breeze blew across my back and shoulders. It felt like heavy breath)  I immediately visualized a man coming up behind me with a knife and whipped around to see him. There is always relief as I realize there is no one lurking in the house waiting to hurt me. It is PTSD and, as such, can provoke short, intense moments that illicit real-time reactions. . Knowing these moments will come does, in no way, minimize the surprise.      

"Grandma, I need to know what kinds of mental health problems are inherited and are part of our family."  A brief conversation ensued between me and my 16 year old grandson about the various mental health challenges in his bloodline. "Is sleep paralysis inheritable?" Finally, the door opened into my world of mental health challenges but not in the way of inherited traits, though many exist in our family. My grandson's questions called me out! In many ways his challenges should mirror mine. Early childhood trauma, extreme and sustained lack of stability in daily life and ptsd cleverly disguised as bi-polar in some cases and, most certainly, as anxiety, chronic depression, alcoholism and drug addiction. I promised to make an account of family traits, specifically mental health traits.

His request and comments woke up the part of me that wants very much to use what I have learned about myself over many years of intense therapy sessions. I immediately drew up an inner woman.\Because of the pain and extreme emotions I experienced during many years of intense therapy, I called up an inner woman to alleviate the risk of recalling and attempting to manage the story I want my grandson to know. I pray what I have to share will encourage him to seek out professional help for his own depression and anxiety.