A Victim of Circumstances

Did you ever come to the realization that the choices you made over say....61 years...have brought you to some places that are glorious and habits that have been shed and those things seem very easy to take credit for but the nasty, stinking stuff that continues to haunt you in one form or the other...well....you are a victim of circumstances. Yep, thought so. Most of us (I am throwing all of you under the bus with me) have ghosts in our mental closets. Oh, I am not talking about terrible stuff that can get you arrested or divorced. I am talking about patterns of thinking and habits that are detrimental to our peace of mind or prejudices that have far outlived their usefulness. I'm talking about where the rubber meets the road. Where we live inside of ourselves and avoid looking at unless, of course, we are forced to look and that is where the victim of circumstances rears its'' ugly head.

We don't mean for it to appear. We are evolved. Grown-up! We are masters of our own fate. Oh yeah...the good and the bad? Do you mean to tell me that the thought never crosses your mind that the reason you shop too much, don't pay enough attention to your spouse, lied on your taxes and are now nervous waiting for the letter that "may" come or whatever may be your cup of tea...that you havev NEVER thought, "If it weren't for (put in a million different thoughts here). I would not be in this situation. I make this/these decisions because of the way I was raised, the system is against me, I was never allowed to play sports, my parents did not train me to budget, no one ever helps me...the beat goes on and on. It circles in our heads until we have a full blown resentment and a concrete justification for our shortcomings. You would have them too, if you were me! Famous refrain of those of us who do, at times, hang the hat of our shortcomings on someone else's coattree.

Now you may wonder, if you are reading this, why this topic is on my mind. What bee is in her bonnet? Blah, blah, blah...and so what, you might think to yourself. The clue to your question is in the sentence "What bee is in her bonnet?" You see I am currently facing cleaning up messes I have made and allowed to fester because I have been afraid, ashamed and irresponsible in meeting my responsibilities. It isn't the first time in my life but it is deeper than before and I won't go to jail or anything of that nature but I am emotionally and mentally bound up in this prison of my own making and I have had thoughts of who is to blame. My husband? Some would help me place the onus squarely on his back. My chornic sickness? Yes, it does affect my desire to face tough situations. My lack of money at this point in my life? True. And then the ultimate blaming of my ownself from the past. SHE did this to me. She behaved irresponsibly and did not listen when people made important suggestions. SHE is a failure and now I am payng the price for HER failures. That is twisted. Yes, I will admit it, but if you think about it for a moment you may realize that you have seen this thought pattern in yourself or in someone you love. Self-loathing. Self! Self! Self! It is enough to choke a person. So...just to get things straight and out in the open...I am talking about myself at this point in my life.

There a couple of things I have avoided. Only a couple and those things are eating me for breakfast. I am a Christ Follower so I am asking for His guidance and, of course, He is showing me that I need to fess up, admit my shortcomings, make amends and find a way to get to a point of agreement with the truth and those who deserve it from me. Oh, you thought following Christ was a piece of cake? God love! We all get lollipops and candy and blessings and never suffer again. Is that what you thought? What a dreadful and disappointing God that would be to follow! If that is your impression you have not read the Bible or, if that is too far out of your comfort zone, you did not watch the recent series, "The Bible". But this is not a theological post. I am stating that when I asked God, Christ, the Holy Spirit to help me what I received was a clear vision of myself as the self-imposed victim and I saw that to escape this opression I must choose to release myself from this bondage and take the steps towards meeting my responsibilities. Throughout this process God will be with me and go before me but He will not do it for me and the consequences will still exist in one form or another BUT I will be free. First...stop being the victim of me or others or whomever. It's not my mother, not my brother but it is me, oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer. Second, take the first steps to admitting my guilt and making restitution in whatever form that may take. I thirst for the freedom from seeing myself as a victim. God has allowed me to come to the end of my rope on this matter. From this point on any failure to make a change is just plain going to hurt me. Not because you, or my neighbor or society sucks but because I have chosen to allow myself to avoid the truth in my life today.

I already feel better....thanks for listening. Tune in again for the "I wanna kick somebody's ass" song I sing at times. Confession is good for the soul. Peace out!