Envy and jealousy seem, to me, to be two sides of the same coin. I am thinking of these two words because overhearing conversations at church today I heard families talking about their vacations either upcoming or recently taken. I felt a pull of angst in my heart. I adore to go on vacation to a beach area about just south of us and have not been in two years due to finances. I have not taken a "stacation" which is my fault. Until today I did not even give that a thought in my head. To be honest while listening to the description of a week's vacation to the mountains for one family I know I simply was green with envy or jealousy...call it what you will...you get my drift.
Interestingly enough I am completely in love with this little motel that sits just off the ocean and is about a 3 hours drive from our home. It is a practical motel for fishermen and their families. There is a pier adjacent to the motel. Separate owners but certainly nicely co-joined. The rooms are simple, made to accomodate sand and the detritus of going to and from the beach. The walk to the beach is ridiculously short. It is a no-frills place. I love it. We go, when we go, in the fall or early winter. No tourists, quiet, sliding doors open with the breeze from the ocean bearing the sound of breaking waves into our room. A small balcony with a couple of chairs overlook out to the ocean. Well, enough of that because the irony of this awesomeness is that I am, at heart, deliriously in love with the mountains of North Carolina. I crave to move there having lived in those mountains as a young girl. My sister lives in the mountains. Visiting her is bitter-sweet as I hold back tears born from the deep yearning I have to stay and never leave again and, yet, the motel on the coast of North Carolina entrances me.
But, at this present time, my finances do not favor travel of any kind other than local comings and goings. So I listened to the several conversations going on about vacations and lusted after the idea of one, As a recovering alcoholic I know full well that expectations of any kind are a set-up for misery in my mind. My best times have been largely unplanned, spur of the moment choices. Given time to think things through I spin tales in my mind; grandiose, dripping in unrealistic expectations. This thinking sets an evil trap for me as there is no chance that my expectations are realistic or attainable in a real world. Best for me to plan quickly and execute before I trail off into a dream world.
My envy and jealously were a part of me that began to effortlessly spin a tale to trap myself. I am the spider with her web and I am the insect caught in the web. I don't want to go to Dollywood for vacation or to go at the peak of tourist season. I forgot that this morning as I spun the web I stuck to in my head.
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