Letting go of what I didn't have in the first place!

My oldest grandson is graduating from high school this year. He is an amazing human being. He was from the day he entered this world. He sees life in unique ways and has always chosen to walk to the beat of his own drum. I saw on Facebook that he won a number of awards at Senior Day at the school he attends in Virginia. The pictures of him are awesome. He is so tall and grown and I am so proud of him. He graduates at the end of May. Life broadens out to meet him with the multitude of choices all vying for his attention.

And this is what I am letting go of because I cannot have the expectation any longer in my head. I did not know he was having a Senior's Day where he would be getting awards. I find out about it on Facebook in posts that are not even directly meant for me. He is graduating in a little over a week and I have no idea what day. I have been out of the loop for so long when it comes to high school graduations that I cannot remember the traditional stuff like when they are usually held. There are no phone calls to share the news of this day with me or to invite me to attend if I want to make the drive. I have been invited to attend graduation with the caveat that I understand things are going to be busy and there won't be much individual time. My expectation was that as these life events came into my grandchildren's lives I would know, someone would tell me and I could make a decision about being able to make the trip. My expectations have been that I would be involved in some small way. My assumption is that the mistakes I made in the past have cost me this opportunity to share in the joy and build-up to these times in the lives of my family in Virginia. I love all of them so much. I know they love me.

I wrestle with this sense of loss and inevitability as time passes by. I mourn it. I expected to be included and expectations are of no real value. Looking at the pictures of Forrest in his cap and gown gave me a thrill and I thought why my daughter did not call or mention to me about this day. Maybe I have broken something between us that is irrevocable and for that I am  full of sorrow and wish it were different between she and I. But it isn't. My job is to let that expectation go like a balloon leaving the hand of a child as the helium lifts it higher and higher. It is my job to accept life on its own terms and leave it with God. This is such an awesome time in my grandson's life. I burst with priide and love him more than he will ever know. My heart is happy for him. I'm letting go of what I did not have in the first place which is peace of mind with things exactly as they are today. Letting go by the grace of God!