Stuff

Sitting here at my laptop I hear the washing machine kick into the rinse cycle. I hear the faint murmur of the t.v. show my husband is watching in the living room. The keys click as I keyboard and my big black cat meows from atop my printer. The water in the washer slushes around...back and forth with the agitated motion designed to clean clothes better.
 Jeez! The black cat is scratching at the back of my chair and increasing his meow to include a note of drama. The last time he climbed the back of this chair he caught me with his paw and claw. I screamed out and he ran off in fear for his life. NOT!! What he wants is food although he is, by no means, starving and the Siamese will let him do the fussing until I go feed them a little something just to get some peace and quiet. So, yes, they are spoiled. Feeding on demand and I am the pawn in that game.
It has been another cloudy, windy and sprinkly wet day. It is cool. Very cool for the first part of May. Most of next week is more of the same. I like it. As I have grown older I have developed a love for gray, cloudy days with cool air and a light rain. When I was much younger I was a child of the sun often staying long hours at the beach when I lived in Florida. My daughter, who was about 2 years old at the time, would play and play. We lived on the Gulf Coast. The waves were tiny and the water was deliciously refreshing. She and I spent hours hanging out and getting deep tans. I did cover her with sunscreen but I let myself crisp into a dark tan. Oh, those were the days! I was barely 20 years old. I lived with a guy who was a nice guy, we smoked Jamaican reefer and sat on the porch watching the squirrels run along the electric line across the street. We hung out. My daughter fit right into the scene as she was born knowing her own mind and was able to chill out big time. It was a fragment of my hippie-dippy life. Of course, as I have done many times since, I blew up the whole thing and moved on. In retrospect my decision to move on was disastarous. I have paid the price for my choices at that time in my life many times over up to this very day.
No need to focus on the past too much. Pain and joy intermingle. I have been a difficult woman to bring into submission and finally into acceptance and a bit of peace. I spent many years in utter turmoil taking my kids along for the ride without a true understanding of what that would mean for them. I loved them so much but I could not tame the beast in me or at least I did not tame it for a very long time. Forgiving myself has been an incredibly long journey. There are times when I am not sure I have fully finished that job.
So, no Mr. Owl tonight. The wind is up and the light rain continues. I wish for a screened veranda with a hammock that I could sleep in on nights like tonight. Lordy that would be so fine!
Kisses! Good night!