Good morning before Good night!

I have been staying up until 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. about four days now. Went to sleep early last night because Micah was here with me. It is nearly 2:30 a.m. now and there is not doubt that I am awake at the moment. Cogent? Wouldn't pass an i.q. test right at the moment but I can write. I need to write.

We had a birthday party for my son today. He turned 38 years old. I love him more than any words can express.

I am a Christ follower. I pray. I know from many personal experiences in my life that God is intimately involved in the details of my life, the lives of my family and my friends. Yet, I fear. An od fear has returned. A deep, dark fear that permeates as a night fog permeates the darkness. A fear that gives me a chill. It is old, well known to me and I am defenseless in the face of it. Without God I would have lost my sanity to this fear. With God I have all hope. Still I am experiencing this fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Folks dismiss fear with statements about lack of faith, just pray, let go, etc. I have done the same when others were in fear. Those responses serve to put distance between the person making the statement and the person experiencing fear. Deep within me I think I still suspect that God is going to take something precious from me because I have been so inadequate in my walk with Him. I believe, somewhere in my heart, that I still need to pay a price, suffer an even greater loss, be stripped of the ones I love. I don't believe I have ever fully and completely understood that I am free and that God is not taking His pound of my flesh out of me as repayment for my previous life. The old nightmare of waiting, sensing, holding my emotional breath has returned. I am praying. I do trust God. It is myself I don't trust. I don't trust that I can wait on God. I don't trust that I deserve God's favor...not in the deep and dark times of my life. I imagine the worst. Today I understood that I cannot endure the worst now. I have changed. My survival skills are worn and out of date. Even more than that, I fully know that God is asking me to let go and wait on Him. I wonder if I can obey or if I will fail and move out ahead of Him. I wonder if I will pay for that with a thrashing from God. I am only being honest. I know beyond a shadow of doubt what God has done in my life. He will not thrash me. I am His beloved. But I will thrash myself and hide myself from God assuming a disfavor that never comes. Father, I believe. Help heal my unbelief!

I am going to sleep. Turns out I do get tired and ready for sleep. Turns out I am human. Imagine that!