Sunday, August 4, 2013
Not What I Planned
The reason I do this blog is to encourage me to write. I have a belief system that I must have an inspiration to write or find a pathway to a deep thought or a funny moment. Much of what I write comes off the top of my head. I spend less (gotta get this off my chest...*&^%$...just deleted at least five, if I must say so myself, brilliant sentences...*&^%$), to continute, I spend less than five or, at the most, ten minutes on any of the blogs I have written. Know what? I cannot return to my thoughts on this subject now. I somehow deleted a few sentences that were great in expressing what I am trying to get across tonight and then I flipped out of this page and ended up back on the statistics page, had to find this blog and choose edit to try again. These are foreboding signs for me. O.K., not so much foreboding as frustrating. I don't do frustrating well. Who does frustrating well? I must calm down, allow the frustration to flow through me and then I can do the aftermath of frustration quite well. But I don't want to return to my original thoughts in this blog tonight. There is a more than good chance that I will never achieve a structured, disciplined writing habit. I am such a brat! I want everything to come to me. I like stream of consciousness, bursts of ideas and emotional moments to flow. I like to write for five to ten minutes, review it a bit, edit a bit and let it go. As I have stated, ad infinitum, I am a recovering alcoholic with the traits of that personality type. Instant gratification thrills me. Immediate results make my day. The part time job I have involves answering calls that last from 20 to 40 seconds. I gather information, I accomplish the task, end the call and pick up the next one. My hours are spent in a long sucession of immediate results and instant gratification. Answer, greet, ask, type, good-bye, gone! Love to do my job well, see each customer as the opportunity to do my job well, get it done quickly and start the cycle again. Don't go thinking that my life has to travel at that pace all day long or I lose interest. My health won't allow it. Otherwise I love an edge, a momentum that demands results and results that made a difference and moving on to the next one. I can do projects. When I worked (prior to retirement work) I was on projects that went on for months. The hook for me was that each step of the project held intensity, research, breaking it down, debating, deadlines, results, next step...same cycle. It is this personality type and my absolute love of an adrenaline rush that aided and abetted my mental and physical decline in that job. I am different today. Maybe I would be closer to the heart of the matter if I chose to say my circumstances are different today. They do not lend me the opportunity to kick start the adrenaline cycle. Even the faintest taste of a challenge draws me to the starting line. My doctors caution me to resist the compulsion, remove myself from an environment that would cultivate my compulsion, in other words, do not, under any circumstances, volunteer, create or design an opportunity for me to step up to the starting line. This adrenaline junkie has blown her engine out. My moment has passed. Naw, my moment zoomed by with me hanging on for dear life. Writing answers a need for me. Time will tell if I go beyond this blog thing. To do that I will need to do the writing and someone else will need to do the promoting, making contacts, and whatever else goes with moving onward and upward. I have no belief that I could get amongst the crowd without setting a light to the fuse of my adrenaline rocket, blasting off into a blaze of promotional glory all engines full throttle, hitting a wall, falling to the ground with bits of blazing glory scattered all around and professionals standing by shaking their heads saying, "I told you so!"
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