Letting everyone know that I am o.k. I have been blessed with some time away to regroup and heal a bit. I have amazing friends.
Because I use this blog for my personal writing I forget that anyone reading it may be alarmed by recent posts. Frankly, I was concerned for my self.
Good news! I'm still standing though I am standing by the support of prayers and the love of friends. God is an amazing God!
See you soon!
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
And So It Begins!
The journey has begun. I resigned from my on-line job and I am planning my stay at home vacation. I can feel that I am in God's will for me as the burden I have been feeling is lighter.
Much later...I was thinking (yikes!). If I cannot keep it together. If I should fold to the pain I am feeling these days and have a bad time, a truly bad time coming back from it, part of my friends would say I did not make meetings so the fall was inevitable and part of my friends would say I did not have enough faith and let my spiritual walk get too weak and they would all be wrong. I am a human being in the middle of an awful time in my life. A painful, heartbreaking time and if I fold for awhile I will not have failed in any practice nor will I be less of a person. I will have been human. I am just hurting right now and I need to hurt and I am not sure I am going to keep it together like I have always managed to do. Maintain, survive, suck it up and I am not trying to be dramatic or looking for sympathy or trying to make a cry for help or any of that stuff. I'm just saying that I am hurting and I am not managing it too well and I am trying and using what I know to use and I am hurting. So, should I fold and be not like myself for awhile it is not for the lack of trying and I still love God and I will still be sober and I will still understand that I have to unfold one day and get back to business. But if I hang up the closed for business sign for awhile I am going to accept that also and feel no shame. When the road runs out it runs out. I am frightened of the intensity of my pain. I am seeking professional help...yes, some of my friends will sigh and shake their heads and nod in a patronizing way to hear that bit of information. But it is what it is. God is with me so don't be afraid for me. Whoever reads this blog and knows me may be alarmed. Don't be. If you don't know me thank you for reading this far. This journey is gonna take some time. I am so tired. I am so heartbroken. Temporarily I am giving myself the love and respect I need to come apart. It's been a long time coming.
Much later...I was thinking (yikes!). If I cannot keep it together. If I should fold to the pain I am feeling these days and have a bad time, a truly bad time coming back from it, part of my friends would say I did not make meetings so the fall was inevitable and part of my friends would say I did not have enough faith and let my spiritual walk get too weak and they would all be wrong. I am a human being in the middle of an awful time in my life. A painful, heartbreaking time and if I fold for awhile I will not have failed in any practice nor will I be less of a person. I will have been human. I am just hurting right now and I need to hurt and I am not sure I am going to keep it together like I have always managed to do. Maintain, survive, suck it up and I am not trying to be dramatic or looking for sympathy or trying to make a cry for help or any of that stuff. I'm just saying that I am hurting and I am not managing it too well and I am trying and using what I know to use and I am hurting. So, should I fold and be not like myself for awhile it is not for the lack of trying and I still love God and I will still be sober and I will still understand that I have to unfold one day and get back to business. But if I hang up the closed for business sign for awhile I am going to accept that also and feel no shame. When the road runs out it runs out. I am frightened of the intensity of my pain. I am seeking professional help...yes, some of my friends will sigh and shake their heads and nod in a patronizing way to hear that bit of information. But it is what it is. God is with me so don't be afraid for me. Whoever reads this blog and knows me may be alarmed. Don't be. If you don't know me thank you for reading this far. This journey is gonna take some time. I am so tired. I am so heartbroken. Temporarily I am giving myself the love and respect I need to come apart. It's been a long time coming.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Time For A Vacation
There are times in life when enough is enough. I am in one of those times. On every level I am exhausted, heartbroken and in need of solitude. I am so close to asking to be hospitalized. I realize this comes from a need to limit the stimuli in my life. So I plan to do that at home. Starting Wednesday of next week I am going to be at home for 5 days. I am not going to leave the house. I am only going to answer the phone for emergencies. I am going to allow myself to withdraw from my routines as completely as possible. Heartbreak requires healing time. I need for that to begin. I need to nurture myself and to seek time with God.
As is always the case there are blessings aplenty in my life. In the midst of the pain I am experiencing there are the tender mercies that manifest in quiet, loving ways. Tender mercies! Isn't that a lovely combination of two words? While I am at my lowest point the mercies are tender, gentle, nurturing and quiet. As I recognize them my sense of being loved in the most private of ways magnifies my soul. A sense of wonder fills me. I am loved and cherished by a living God who comforts me with the whisper of a tender mercy. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul. Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death He is with me and I will fear no evil. My help comes from the Lord.
It is o.k. that, for this time, I am exhausted and heartbroken. I will find my way and I will never be alone. Already I am comforted and ready to begin my vacation.
As is always the case there are blessings aplenty in my life. In the midst of the pain I am experiencing there are the tender mercies that manifest in quiet, loving ways. Tender mercies! Isn't that a lovely combination of two words? While I am at my lowest point the mercies are tender, gentle, nurturing and quiet. As I recognize them my sense of being loved in the most private of ways magnifies my soul. A sense of wonder fills me. I am loved and cherished by a living God who comforts me with the whisper of a tender mercy. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul. Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death He is with me and I will fear no evil. My help comes from the Lord.
It is o.k. that, for this time, I am exhausted and heartbroken. I will find my way and I will never be alone. Already I am comforted and ready to begin my vacation.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Random
I went downeast to visit my husband yesterday. The rains have passed. The ride to the center was intoxicating. There are a number of times when the highway has water and tall marsh grasses on both sides. I know the rain caused damages and I know it was too much for us but it seemed the sky, the water, the foliage in and around the water had been washed and polished to their finest glory. The earth, the sky, the clouds in the sky, the waters out in the bay...all of them were exquisite. The thought came to me that, for nature, the rains and the wind were a natural and important part of a cycle that we call danger but the earth calls life. I don't mean to wax poetic. You had to be there and maybe have the sensitivity to the scenery. A book I read several times when I was young called, "The Yearling" came to mind. There is an angst that pulls at me in times like that drive. I feel a pain deep inside, a yearning, a joy, a love for the Creator.
Random, I sat in a court room today with my son and his wife. Eviction court. They were being evicted for the second time, second place. I listened to other cases before their names were called. The words, "lost my job", "my husband left me and the children and took everything", I make $9.25 an hour, "Please do not hold my grandmother responsible for our indebtedness" were all too real. Too much like real life, good people, in these cases, and hard times. The judge was fair. Most of the issues are black and white. He did find a way to protect the grandmother. I could have kissed him right then and there. People can talk about tough love until they are blue in the face. I understand the concept but my heart doesn't buy into it. I cannot stop my son and his wife or change them. I know that. But my heart is heavy, my concern is high and sorrow lies like a weighted cloak on my shoulders. They don't feel it. They are "victims". They turn on each other and they blame all of us for their misfortune. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and I will continue to pray. As a friend of mine says, "God knows a detail I do not know."
Well, I have been a somber woman for a while now. The willingness to be uncomfortable in order to stay away from a drink or a drug is an automatic response to tough life situations that I do not know how to handle. I ask God for help and wisdom and He grants these according to His will for my life. Yet I am human. The will to surrender my will belongs solely with me. It is a tough pill to swallow at times. Yet I do not wish to break fellowship with my Father.
I am going to bed. My red cat sleeps with me. He loves the privilege and I loved his closeness. Time to crank up the cpap machine, pull the mask over my head and zone out. Night! Night!
Random, I sat in a court room today with my son and his wife. Eviction court. They were being evicted for the second time, second place. I listened to other cases before their names were called. The words, "lost my job", "my husband left me and the children and took everything", I make $9.25 an hour, "Please do not hold my grandmother responsible for our indebtedness" were all too real. Too much like real life, good people, in these cases, and hard times. The judge was fair. Most of the issues are black and white. He did find a way to protect the grandmother. I could have kissed him right then and there. People can talk about tough love until they are blue in the face. I understand the concept but my heart doesn't buy into it. I cannot stop my son and his wife or change them. I know that. But my heart is heavy, my concern is high and sorrow lies like a weighted cloak on my shoulders. They don't feel it. They are "victims". They turn on each other and they blame all of us for their misfortune. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and I will continue to pray. As a friend of mine says, "God knows a detail I do not know."
Well, I have been a somber woman for a while now. The willingness to be uncomfortable in order to stay away from a drink or a drug is an automatic response to tough life situations that I do not know how to handle. I ask God for help and wisdom and He grants these according to His will for my life. Yet I am human. The will to surrender my will belongs solely with me. It is a tough pill to swallow at times. Yet I do not wish to break fellowship with my Father.
I am going to bed. My red cat sleeps with me. He loves the privilege and I loved his closeness. Time to crank up the cpap machine, pull the mask over my head and zone out. Night! Night!
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Different Day! Different Perspective!
Yesterday was a tough day for me. Today has improved because I chose to call someone who always helps me change my perspective. We have been doing that for each other for over 20 years. While I continue to feel physically lousy and my physical energy is low I have managed to maintain an average level of emotional energy. This is a good thing. It requires willingness, work, desire to change and the willingness to feel uncomfortable for a time.
Without God I have no hope of letting go, asking for help and taking suggestions.
The rain has stopped. I will go and visit my husband tomorrow. I will be bearing gifts. I am grateful that the roads have cleared and our routine can begin again.
The energy to create is not in me. This blog is for me and helps me keep track of what I have chosen to do in times like this past week. I am going home and relaxing as I well should be doing at 10:30.
There's no place like home!
Without God I have no hope of letting go, asking for help and taking suggestions.
The rain has stopped. I will go and visit my husband tomorrow. I will be bearing gifts. I am grateful that the roads have cleared and our routine can begin again.
The energy to create is not in me. This blog is for me and helps me keep track of what I have chosen to do in times like this past week. I am going home and relaxing as I well should be doing at 10:30.
There's no place like home!
And so...
And so, I find myself entangled in a jumble of thoughts and emotions. It does not help that I am anemic, am recovering from something like strep throat and found out today that my right hand has very severe carpal tunnel and my left has severe carpal tunnel. The tests were interesting. First, both my hands and my arms had shocks sent through them. The deeper the nerve the more intense the shock. Then another person came in and stuck pins in my hand and arms. It was akin to intense acupuncture. After both of these tests the results were provided and the information sent to my doctor.
All the while it is raining day after day and the roads are flooding and my husband is calling me repeatedly from the rest home wishing I could come see him. He knows the roads are flooded but he is childlike and lonely, plus he says he has no clothes to wear and that the aides did not take his laundry to wash it. I find out later that he has a couple of outfits left and that his clothes were taken along with all the rest. But who's to know? He sounds as if he knows exactly what he is saying to me. He never realizes that he missed the boat on his information. He never sees the reversal of information as odd. I, on the other hand, am exhausted after numerous phone calls from him and making phone calls to the facility only to find out that he was "confused".
My son and his family are being evicted again and their car is broken down and I don't have the resources to help them fix the car so I am helping my son get back and forth to work, get groceries, etc. My heart is broken at the direction my son's life has taken. I don't have anymore money to help them. I have no way of understanding the psychology of their lifestyle.
My mom is 87 years old and, like Robert, remembers reality the way it did not happen. The difference is that she absolutely will not believe me when I tell her a fact that I clearly remember and she believes she remembers.
I feel tired, ill with anemia and the lingering crud. I feel sad and concerned for my family. I feel alone in my family. With the rain and the illness of my body my resources are in short supply. I am angry with my body for finding some path to sickness no matter what the circumstances. I don't understand and I am so tired. The doctor said I am about a quart low in blood. The begs the question of where did that blood go but I forgot to ask and I cannot imagine how blood gets gone.
I need prayer. If you read my blog and if you pray, please pray for my family and for me. Pray that I have the wisdom to know God's will and the willingness to do His will.
Good things happen all the time. I am blessed beyond measure. But I made a decision to write about the other stuff tonight. Get it out of my mind and onto paper (well, screen)...LOL.
Time to sign off. I need rest. It is raining outside. Sounds comforting now that I got things off my chest.
All the while it is raining day after day and the roads are flooding and my husband is calling me repeatedly from the rest home wishing I could come see him. He knows the roads are flooded but he is childlike and lonely, plus he says he has no clothes to wear and that the aides did not take his laundry to wash it. I find out later that he has a couple of outfits left and that his clothes were taken along with all the rest. But who's to know? He sounds as if he knows exactly what he is saying to me. He never realizes that he missed the boat on his information. He never sees the reversal of information as odd. I, on the other hand, am exhausted after numerous phone calls from him and making phone calls to the facility only to find out that he was "confused".
My son and his family are being evicted again and their car is broken down and I don't have the resources to help them fix the car so I am helping my son get back and forth to work, get groceries, etc. My heart is broken at the direction my son's life has taken. I don't have anymore money to help them. I have no way of understanding the psychology of their lifestyle.
My mom is 87 years old and, like Robert, remembers reality the way it did not happen. The difference is that she absolutely will not believe me when I tell her a fact that I clearly remember and she believes she remembers.
I feel tired, ill with anemia and the lingering crud. I feel sad and concerned for my family. I feel alone in my family. With the rain and the illness of my body my resources are in short supply. I am angry with my body for finding some path to sickness no matter what the circumstances. I don't understand and I am so tired. The doctor said I am about a quart low in blood. The begs the question of where did that blood go but I forgot to ask and I cannot imagine how blood gets gone.
I need prayer. If you read my blog and if you pray, please pray for my family and for me. Pray that I have the wisdom to know God's will and the willingness to do His will.
Good things happen all the time. I am blessed beyond measure. But I made a decision to write about the other stuff tonight. Get it out of my mind and onto paper (well, screen)...LOL.
Time to sign off. I need rest. It is raining outside. Sounds comforting now that I got things off my chest.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
The Crud, A Gratitude or Two and More
First, and important in light of how I have been feeling mentally and physically, I have something like strep throat and I am anemic. Not good news yet both of these diagnoses explain my lack of energy, struggles with negative thinking and general malaise. I have not returned to record gratitude items and prefer silence on any good deed so I have a bit of making up to do on my gratitude list.
Tuesday was a bear of a day. I was exhausted and I was on the go all day with one thing or the other. I did not know I was sick so I attributed everything going on with me as a failure on my part. I simply was not good enough. I was a loser. All the self talk that happens when I do not feel well screamed at me. Still I have a gratitude in the same genre of my gratitude for hot and cold running water. I am a million times grateful for electricity. I am not as passionate about electricity as I am about water yet electricity provides the opportunity to have my beloved hot and cold running water. I love that electricity provides the energy for air conditioning. Honestly, how decadent can life get We are provided a means to drive the energy that runs air conditioning, lights, appliances...well...the list is endless. A visiting Bishop of the Anglican Church of Rwanda told me, when I asked how he liked America, that he did not like it so much because everything was done for us. Doors open when we walk towards them, stairs take us from one floor to the next without us taking a step, elevators transport us up and down. It would seem that our luxuries are beyond the scope of someone who lives a life where our luxuries are their rarities. And, yes, I believe I am spoiled rotten by light switches, lamps, fans, refrigeration and a million other things that I do not even know happen because of the availability of electricity. Again, totally in awe of the resource of electricity.
Wednesday? I must say the availability of medical care and the good fortune of having medical insurance is my gratitude for Wednesday. My husband was seen by an urologist. As I sat listening to the doctor and his description of how the bladder and the prostate interact then prescribing medication that he hopes will improve my husband's problem I had a wave of gratitude for medical care. Of late we have had to rely on the medical community for wise guidance and, with a few bumps along the way, we have been given wise guidance. I mean, talk about modern medical technology. The nurse was able to take a picture of my husband's bladder and the implement she used measured the amount of fluid in his bladder and graphed it onto a computer screen for the doctor to see. Is that space age or what? So, I have complained about a couple of doctors lately but by far I am so grateful for the medical community and their dedication to their careers.
Thursday...grateful that God is with me. Grateful that God loves me. Grateful that God graces me with too many blessings to count. These can all be gathered up into my grateful heart for my relationship with Jesus Christ and for His presence in all the details of my life.
Good deeds? Little ones. I don't need to do big ones because my ego will grab that and run with it.
My body feels the crud. I need to rest and take care of myself. My mind wants to stay awake and up and not miss a moment of the night. I am making progress in going to bed earlier. It is a surrendering of my will AGAIN! Gosh darn it! I don't do surrendering so well!
Tuesday was a bear of a day. I was exhausted and I was on the go all day with one thing or the other. I did not know I was sick so I attributed everything going on with me as a failure on my part. I simply was not good enough. I was a loser. All the self talk that happens when I do not feel well screamed at me. Still I have a gratitude in the same genre of my gratitude for hot and cold running water. I am a million times grateful for electricity. I am not as passionate about electricity as I am about water yet electricity provides the opportunity to have my beloved hot and cold running water. I love that electricity provides the energy for air conditioning. Honestly, how decadent can life get We are provided a means to drive the energy that runs air conditioning, lights, appliances...well...the list is endless. A visiting Bishop of the Anglican Church of Rwanda told me, when I asked how he liked America, that he did not like it so much because everything was done for us. Doors open when we walk towards them, stairs take us from one floor to the next without us taking a step, elevators transport us up and down. It would seem that our luxuries are beyond the scope of someone who lives a life where our luxuries are their rarities. And, yes, I believe I am spoiled rotten by light switches, lamps, fans, refrigeration and a million other things that I do not even know happen because of the availability of electricity. Again, totally in awe of the resource of electricity.
Wednesday? I must say the availability of medical care and the good fortune of having medical insurance is my gratitude for Wednesday. My husband was seen by an urologist. As I sat listening to the doctor and his description of how the bladder and the prostate interact then prescribing medication that he hopes will improve my husband's problem I had a wave of gratitude for medical care. Of late we have had to rely on the medical community for wise guidance and, with a few bumps along the way, we have been given wise guidance. I mean, talk about modern medical technology. The nurse was able to take a picture of my husband's bladder and the implement she used measured the amount of fluid in his bladder and graphed it onto a computer screen for the doctor to see. Is that space age or what? So, I have complained about a couple of doctors lately but by far I am so grateful for the medical community and their dedication to their careers.
Thursday...grateful that God is with me. Grateful that God loves me. Grateful that God graces me with too many blessings to count. These can all be gathered up into my grateful heart for my relationship with Jesus Christ and for His presence in all the details of my life.
Good deeds? Little ones. I don't need to do big ones because my ego will grab that and run with it.
My body feels the crud. I need to rest and take care of myself. My mind wants to stay awake and up and not miss a moment of the night. I am making progress in going to bed earlier. It is a surrendering of my will AGAIN! Gosh darn it! I don't do surrendering so well!
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