And So It Begins!

The journey has begun. I resigned from my on-line job and I am planning my stay at home vacation. I can feel that I am in God's will for me as the burden I have been feeling is lighter.


Much later...I was thinking (yikes!). If I cannot keep it together. If I should fold to the pain I am feeling these days and have a bad time, a truly bad time coming back from it, part of my friends would say I did not make meetings so the fall was inevitable and part of my friends would say I did not have enough faith and let my spiritual walk get too weak and they would all be wrong. I am a human being in the middle of an awful time in my life. A painful, heartbreaking time and if I fold for awhile I will not have failed in any practice nor will I be less of a person. I will have been human. I am just hurting right now and I need to hurt and I am not sure I am going to keep it together like I have always managed to do. Maintain, survive, suck it up and I am not trying to be dramatic or looking for sympathy or trying to make a cry for help or any of that stuff. I'm just saying that I am hurting and I am not managing it too well and I am trying and using what I know to use and I am hurting. So, should I fold and be not like myself for awhile it is not for the lack of trying and I still love God and I will still be sober and I will still understand that I have to unfold one day and get back to business. But if I hang up the closed for business sign for awhile I am going to accept that also and feel no shame. When the road runs out it runs out. I am frightened of the intensity of my pain. I am seeking professional help...yes, some of my friends will sigh and shake their heads and nod in a patronizing way to hear that bit of information. But it is what it is. God is with me so don't be afraid for me. Whoever reads this blog and knows me may be alarmed. Don't be. If you don't know me thank you for reading this far. This journey is gonna take some time. I am so tired. I am so heartbroken. Temporarily I am giving myself the love and respect I need to come apart. It's been a long time coming.